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Archive for December, 2009

feeling hot, hot, hot…

Ok, so I was running on the treddy at the gym as I have taken to doing lately…. For those avid readers, (I know there are more than 2!) I am on an overhaul.. I have decided I am unhappy with my body how it is and I want to do something to fix it… I have taken to quite a rigorous schedule of gym-going…

Anyway as I am running on the treddy at the gym, I think of things… and here it is..

I was listening to a track from Jason Mraz… It is called ‘butterfly’… and to be honest the lyrics are quite sensual… To be honest, I was running on the treddy and as I heard Jason sing:

I’m your pole and all you’re wearing is your shoes
you got soul, you know what to do to turn me on
until I write a song about you
and you have your own engaging style
you have a knack to vivify
and you make my slacks a little tight
you may unfasten them if you like
thats if you crash and spend the night

but you don’t fold and you don’t fade
you’ve got everything you need except for me
sister you’ve got it all
you make the call to make my day
in your message say my name
your talk is all the talk
sister you’ve got it all

curl your upper lip up and let me look around
ride your tongue along your bottom lip and bite down
and bend your back and ask your hips if i can touch
well they’re the perfect jumping up point
or getting closer to your butterfly

you float on by
oh kiss me with your eyelashes tonight
or Eskimo your nose real close to mine
lets mood the lights and finally make it right

Those words just had an effect on me… I honestly ran faster. thinking the faster I ran, the more my ass would shrink… And as I ran I considered the fact that in the last few weeks I have so far lost 6 kilos… But to be honest it wouldn’t matter if I lost 6, or 4, or 2, kilos.. What mattered was that I have LOST weight!!!!! I love the fact that I have LOST at all!!!!!

And truly speaking the minute I feel that I have lost ANYthing, I feel that I have lost all the hangups I may (or may not) have… I feel like a million bucks!!! I came to the realisation out of all this, that it’s not actually what a woman weighs that counts all that much.. But what counts is what a woman feels like… If a woman feels sexy then she most likely will  be sexy.. I mean it doesn’t solve all the problems in the world.. But it may help with a few….

I think that most women I know can identify with what I am saying.. If you wake up in the morning feeling like shit you probably will have a shit day.. And whether it has to do with hormones, confidence, bloating or what ever else.. The minute you feel like shit, you will  feel like shit.. Really, it’s THAT simple… And I think the point I am trying to make here is that it doesn’t matter what you are, whether you are carrying more weight than you want to, or like other people I know who feel they are too slim, and can’t put on weight… Whether you think you are too tall, or too short.. We all have body image hang-ups. In all honesty if I feel sexy them I am most likely to POSSESS that confidence to BE sexy!!!! And really, that’s what I want to be at this point… I mean, come on! I am 25 years old and single. What were you doing at my age? Or, what are you hoping to be doing when you get to my age?

It’s so simple that I think if any men read this they will be kicking themselves!!!!

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I didn’t think that melting chocolate was supposed to be this hard!!I mean it melts on it’s own in a hot car, or in the pantry on a hot day… Why is it so hard to melt?

Better start from the start….

So yesterday in my quest to be a bit more christmassy (I am well aware that is not a word..) I embarked on a mission. Last year Mum bought a silicone mold for a gingerbread house. It is from Chef’s toolbox, you know one of those things where you have a ‘party’ and invite your friends over to buy stuff. It was a little ambitious and she never got the time to make a ginger-bread house last year. But I arrived here on Monday and we were chatting, I asked Mum if she had any idea what I could make for a friend for Christmas. She suggested I use the mold’s to make a chocolate house! I think she is having more pleasure out of seeing them get used than anything else!

I set about my day yesterday, and had a few setbacks. Had to go out to the shops for supplies. In the end I melted some chocolate and put it in the molds before I went out for the night last night with my cousin and his girlfriend…

I digress.

I got up this morning very excited to pop the chocolate out of the molds only to find it had turned WHITE! You know like when you open an easter egg about a year and a half after easter? Mum says it’s been heat-effected. Soooo, I cut out the white pieces and fed them to my ‘bah-humbug’ grinch brother who was only too happy to dispose of it… And then I melted it down and started again…

It has been a long day, but here is the result… I am Christmassy!!!!!!

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more on mum…

Well, I don’t know quite what I was afraid of.. I saw Mum, she’s still the same old mum… I did get to see her bald head through the kitchen window on my way into the house…. And really, she doesn’t look too bad…

I think that being so far away from someone you love who is going through something like this, the emotions you feel and the amount of information magnifies somewhat… And you can tend to build it up in your head… But being here this morning, seeing Mum get ready to go to work brought me back to reality. It’s not such a huge deal. Yes, she feels pretty shitty but life goes on and so will her fight…

Mum is a trooper. And will keep on trooping through. She is excited about me moving back next year, so I will be closer. She worries a lot about me doing a 4 hour drive on my own, especially as my car is not in the best shape. Mum and I will decorate the christmas tree this afternoon. It’s a real tree so Dad has already built a stand for it.

I do love to be home with my mum….

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Ok, so this is going to be a difficult post… I’ll set the scene..

I am studying at uni in a country town, in Victoria at the end of the great ocean road. Said sleepy town is called Warrnambool. It’s actually a fairly big regional centre, but I am a city girl.. No, I will re-phrase that. I was born in Metropolitan suburbs of Melbourne, and I like being only an hour away from the city. I don’t much like living out here! Where I am, it takes 4 hours and a full tank of fuel to get home, so it’s not easy to get home often, I also work on weekends, so that makes things even harder!

I digress.

All this week I have been feeling a little anxious, and not really sure why. It clicked tonight.

I am going on Monday home to see my mum and dad. And it has now been 2 months since I have seen them. Simply far too long. Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer on the 16th of September this year. In essence the prognosis has been pretty good so far, but it’s still shit… After the initial diagnosis, Mum had surgery on the 23rd of September to remove the cancer, and then on the 30th of September they went back in to get more. All of this was quite a stressful time, and the recovery took her a longer while after the second surgery.

Mum is a fairly active person and to see her so unwell was hard. She handled it all so well. She had a lot of pain, and still has some fluid drainage issues on her left arm (where the surgery happened). But she really did well. While she was recovering her second bout of surgery she had a lovely visit from her mother.

Mum’s mother (my grandmother, or “Oma” as we call her) lives in Perth, and for the last 50 years has nursed her husband, until his death-bed. So the visit from Oma was quite historic this October, she came over for the first time in about 17 years. It really lifted Mum’s spirits.

I guess in essence, all of this we have seen before. Mum has had surgery before. She has had cysts removed from her ovaries, and polyps removed, and finally 18 months ago she had a hysterectomy. So the recovery from surgery, while it is not the end of her treatment this time, it is all too familiar a path for us.

When Mum had her first round of chemo she had an allergic reaction. Again, more stress and being so far away I couldn’t do anything and feel so far out of the loop. Now that Mum has been having chemo for the last few weeks she really has been feeling rat-shit for the most. She says she struggles immensely with lethargy, but can’t sleep. Is not hungry, and everything tastes like cardboard, and feeling just general overall shittiness…

I think what is troubling me this visit, is that I know Mum has lost her hair. Now this sounds really vain. But before now, even during all this cancer stuff Mum has remained fairly well looking. I don’t know this might sound extremely superficial, but Mum actually looks like she has cancer now, and I am not sure how I am going to handle that.I reckon it’s probably that age-old theory of seeing the illness. I mean people who have depression always say that people don’t understand it, cos they can’t see it. But break your leg and everyone can see and understand that…

Because of the distance I really don’t get to visit anywhere near as often as I would like to. Now that I get to see her, I hope I handle it ok! In the end, I just wanna be the most supportive daughter she could have hoped for! If that means cleaning the shower, cleaning the car, folding the washing, erk even the dreaded ironing I will do it all. Except I won’t climb on the roof to clean out the gutter (fire season) because I think it’d give Mum a heart attack, and we don’t want that! (I have bad balance, and would probably fall off!)

What the next week holds, I don’t know. But we’ll get through it.

Just gotta be strong for mum, and I know I will.. My mum is quite amazing, and she will get through it. I will confront her cancer and help her in any way that I can to fight it!

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Avid blog fans of mine (of which there are about 2)  would be aware that I am on an overhaul.. I am doing something for myself… I am getting fit, I am losing weight, and I getting healthy….

The reasons for this overhaul are many and varied. Aside from being unhealthy and feeling frumpy, the reasons are:

1. I am a nurse in training- who wants to listen to a nurse give them health and lifestyle advice when the nurse themself quite obviously is not able to follow their own advice.

2. My Mum has cancer. I have been doing a lot of reading, but unhealthiness and excess weight are risk factors for many other diseases as well as some cancers. So I already have genetics working against me, I wouldn’t mind eliminating the weight factor.

3. My confidence levels. I definitely don’t feel fantastic, and this affects my confidence levels…

4. There’s one more, I just can’t share.. far too personal….

ANY-how.. the point of this post is to update… The last few weeks I have been going to the gym HEAPS, going to boxing classes, body pump classes and eating GREAT healthy food!! ( I know, I know.. for the tweeps who were online last night, I did say I went to body pimp class… and really, isn’t body pump just a body pimp class…??? I ask??)

Soooo, drum-roll please….. Since my first post on this topic 2 weeks ago talking about the fact that I was going to do something… I have lost a grand total of 2 1/2 kilos!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!! So I will continue on…. I definitely feel fitter and stronger… I got through the whole body pump class last night, and increased the weights I was lifting too… so now, I am off to the gym peeps…. To continue the work….

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simpler times… deep dark secrets….

Today I am going to borrow a story from my brother… But I was involved in it, so it’s kinda my story too. I am 25 years old, and my brother is 27. So as we were growing up we were quite close. I am going to share with you his most distressing time as a child. He still talks about it til this day. If the subject is brought up, he vehemently defends his actions.

You see my brother, dear boy, is a rather passionate young man. Some might even call him stubborn. To the point that he would rather argue till he is blue in the face about something he know’s is not truth than have to admit that he is wrong. In the younger years, this was quite the challenge when it came to having a conversation with him. Now it’s become more of a joke.

To my recollection he was about 8 at the time of this story and I was about 6. My brother and I were playing alongside the house. He was climbing a tree, and I was standing by wishing I could climb the tree (I am too clumsy and too uncoordinated, all that for another post). Said tree was about 7 ft tall, and quite thin…

I remember quite clearly, as I watched him climb. We were having quite the discussion as he sat perched in the tree. No doubt he was sharing with me all that could be seen from such heights! There is much more to see from such heights you see! We weren’t allowed to play in the street with the other kids, so all we could see from inside the fence boundary was a bonus!

I was watching and enjoying his regale of the sights to behold, and shortly thereafter I watched him fall from the tree. Head. First. He landed on his forehead. Some people have thicker skulls than others, and I’m sure he thanked his lucky stars that day that his skull didn’t crack on the way down to earth. He landed on our gravel driveway, and made away with a few stitches and lots of blood.

But you see, the story doesn’t end here. Later on when the headache subsided our parents asked us what had happened. I say to this day he fell because the tree was too spindly at the top to hold his weight. But my brother not one to back away from an argument quite seriously suggests that the reason he fell, was my. fault.

You see he seems to think I told him he couldn’t fly… So my brother, God bless him, felt the need to prove to me that he could fly. Therefore leapt from the tree head first. In our family we still get some joy from this story as my brother still likes to tell us it is my fault.

In the end, either way, I know I am right. Even IF that is the case that I told him he couldn’t fly, it turns out I was right.. He can’t fly… 🙂

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