my fears

Ok, so most of you know me by now.. You know a little snapshot of what goes on in my life. In some instances you know more than some people who know me in real life. This is because you take the time to read, to chat and to talk to me. You take the time to comment on my blog, and you take the time in the most part just to read. For that I thank-you.

I am studying a bachelor of midwifery/nursing at university in Victoria, Australia. It is a double degree and it will take me 4 years. I am going to start my 2nd year in a couple of weeks, and I am looking forward to it. I like love uni. I know its not right, I know it’s a little weird that when I went to uni last year, I felt like I had come home.

I know that this is what I was born to do. Ever since I was a little girl I had a strange obssession passion for ANYthing medical. It doesn’t seem to matter how gory or gross it is. I LOVED it. There’s not much I can’t handle. Last night I went out for dinner with some friends, and we were well into a conversation about things which would turn most people’s stomachs before I even realize that my friends had stopped eating….

Sooo, anywho.. The whole point of this is to point out to you how much I live-and-breathe-and-can’t-wait-til-I’m-nursing! I just feel like its what I was meant to be.. As I grew older I learnt more and more and by the time I became a teenager, and knew more about it, I decided I wanted to become a midwife…

So here I am. I am studying a double degree in nursing/midwifery. And I plan to become the best damn nurse/midwife I can be! I know I will be good at it.. I know it is what I am born to do… I love everything about midwifery, and I truly believe I can change the face of midwifery. One day I will change the world.. You just watch it…

I guess my fears lie herein.. I was out and about a few weeks ago with some of the girls.. Just chatting and anyway, one of the girls brought up the fact that a well-known midwife in the area (not a very big town) had just had a baby, and had made some comments on the fact that breast-feeding is hard, and that going through the experience is so much more harrowing than she ever imagined. Now as I understand, said midwife has been errmm… shall we say a little harsh about how she practices. At times not actually practicing her profession with any sympathy or understanding. Instead (from what I understand) practicing in such a way that women felt alienated and alone. That women felt weak if they didn’t learn how to feed or learn how to look after their baby as well as they felt they needed to.

I guess I have no intention of behaving in this way.. But my fear is, that there seems to be such a strong emphasis on midwives and whether or not they have had their own children. I guess there is some element to this.. As in, some element as to the fact that yes.. It could be true that a person might have more understanding on said topic if they had experienced it.

But I like to think that I can still be the best midwife I can be.. Afterall, no-one would suggest that an oncology nurse should have had cancer in order to be a good nurse to oncology patients. I mean, yes.. I see the merit in the whole idea that if you have been through a particular experience that it may enhance your professional practice. But it isn’t the be-all and end-all… I mean, surely…?

I guess that’s the point.. I do know I will be the best midwife I can be. And everyday of my studying and working life I will continue to strive to be the best I can possibly be. I will become a sponge for information and I will do everything I can do to be the best I can be..

WOW! I have to add this in.. It was only through @Raznay pointing this out that it came to me that what I am trying to say here is: I know I have the gift.. But will anyone else believe it? I know it’s what I am good at…

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Maybe this will explain how and why I’m feeling so anxious

I had my sister up here on the weekend. Where I live is 4 hours away from where I am going to live! I am moving on Monday.. And I am looking forward to it. I can’t wait to go.. I don’t really want to go through the whole-unpacking-finding-new-places-for-my-stuff-to-live thing, but the actual move once it’s all done and dusted will be good..

I heard once on Hamish and Andy that some apes at the zoo were moved. They got a new enclosure. And the way Hamish put it was this. The apes got tranquilised in order to make the move. So their enclosure was prepared they got shot with a dart, had a lovely sleep and woke up in their new enclosure. Not for one minute would I want to be an ape, but that certainly wouldn’t be a bad way to move house!

So the moving thing is happening. And that was why my sister was here! She and her lovely husband came up with his hilux, and they moved a heap of my shit back to Melbourne. Don’t worry it will be waiting for me to unpack when I get there! That’s *if* my sister hasn’t taken off with some of my Tupperware she had her eyes on pinching! I’ll be checking M!

We were having a conversation last weekend. We went for a drink on the waterfront! I love going anywhere waterfront! And my brother in law said: you always pick nice places to live, Em! A conversation ensued. I didn’t really pick here to live. I picked a nursing and midwifery degree, and this was where I happened to get in! I went on to discuss with my sister and brother in law, that when I moved here I didn’t *want* to! After my sister telling me how brave I was for coming here; it is something she would never have the courage to do so she said. I don’t feel brave, I feel like I am on a road. I have a goal I want to achieve. I coming out to the country for a year is what I had to do to achieve said goal, so be it. I don’t feel strong, I feel focussed.

I did what I needed to do to follow my dream. And don’t get me wrong I have met *some* nice people here. Some will be lifelong friends.

What I do feel is anxious. I feel so anxious I have hardly been able to eat all week! I feel so anxious I could spew! (sorry for the visual!) I feel so anxious I can’t sleep, I can’t speak, I can’t function. I am moving next week. I need to find a job, a house, a new social network. I will be the new girl at uni. I will be the square peg trying to get into a round hole.

I just feel like it’s all too hard. I want to crawl back into my bed and sleep til I’m moved. But I won’t. And next week when the move has happened and the fun has begun. I will be happy. I will be happy that I have made the move and I am going after what I want. I will be satisfied that I am doing all I can do to make sure my life is a happy one.

My theory is that I like to make sure I am doing all I can do to be happy. I like to make sure that I go for what I want now so I have no regrets later. I like to grab this thing we call life, take it, and make it my bitch. I never want to feel like I have been wasting time.

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