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Archive for March, 2010

I was trawling through my read-it-later list the other day.. It’s a brilliant invention.. I like to think I never miss a single blog… But I know I still do. However, I was having a read and I got to Kerri Sackville’s latest post. It struck a chord with me because it was something I was thinking about recently. I have been doing a lot of thinking.. You see, I’m a single girl. And lately I have been putting myself out there in the world. Then I read from Tracey her latest post. Without this turning into a plug for all the wonderful blogs I read, I want to point out that these 2 ladies just between them both articulated what I was thinking as well as provoked me to think more.

At the moment I am studying my 2nd year of a nursing/midwifery degree at uni. In doing so, I am referred to as a mature-age student… (Mature?? Pffttt! Another story for another post) But it is on more than one occasion that people have asked me: do you regret not doing this sooner? Do you regret waiting til now to start this? NO! I tell them! Why would I regret that? That means I would’ve missed out on all the other fun things I have done… I would have missed out on all the other fun lessons I have learned.. And lessons? I got those! Don’t worry!

I got to thinking the other day. In class there was a discussion about emergency room’s and drug over-doses. This conversation really made me think. I needed to examine myself after this. There is one thing I don’t share very openly. But here I am, I am gonna split this open and share.. I have now been single for 18 months. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 2 years. We got together on my 22nd birthday. at the time he was 34.

My ex-boyfriend.. Let’s call him “slagathor” because you know.. That’s not his name.. He lived with his elderly parents at the time, his mother in her late 60s and his father in his late 70s. He worked at a telecommunications company as a what I call a phone bitch. I was one too, and we sat near each other at work. In between calls he would make me laugh til I cried. We had a lot of fun together..

It wasn’t until about 8 or so months into the relationship, which I was dubious about to begin with that I found out he was a recovered drug addict. He had been through a methadone program and that was well and truly behind him. He had even got off the methadone which is actually a tougher addiction to beat than the habit itself. So this was all a shock to me.. I mean, you never would have guessed this about Slagathor. He was is an intelligent person who thinks deeply, and writes the most beautiful prose. He is funny, and he can have anyone eating out of the palm of his hand. And here he was, chasing me. Wanting me.

When Slagathor first started to pursue me I didn’t want a relationship. I didn’t want to be committed.. I was living the party life.. I was up on the Gold Coast, living with friends, going out on the weekends, dancing, drinking, swimming, surfing, bike-riding, and enjoying all the good things that life had to offer.

But somehow or another, he wooed me.. He got the girl… And we settled into a pattern of living and loving. We fell in love.. We still enjoyed life, we still enjoyed everything it had to offer. We went out on weekends, we went out to friends, we had BBQ’s by the beach, enjoyed the party lifestyle that the gold coast and Brisbane had to offer. We had a great time..

Slowly but surely though there were little tips that maybe he wasn’t as recovered as I thought he was. He was a smoker. That was ok. He also enjoyed a drink, or 9. He would pop panadeines and anything he could get his hands on with a codeine base. (For those who don’t know, codeine is an opiate). He would take benzodiazepines as well. Which yes, were prescribed but still I didn’t feel comfortable with him taking. Then it came out that he had relapsed. He hid it from me for 6 months. Then when he came out with it, he told me he was going to get better. By that time, I was in love. And I just wanted this man that I loved to happy, healthy and well. I was committed at any cost to help him through that and get him back to the happy, healthy, well-adjusted young man he once was…

As time went on, things got worse. He had always suffered from some form of anxiety disorder, and it turns out this is really why he turned to the drugs to begin with.. But things got a lot worse. I had a difficult time with it all, and I fought and fought. Felt like I was suffocating in my own life, drowning in my own life… And like Tracey pointed out, it seemed I was now trapped in a relationship with someone who needed “rescuing”. Try as I might, I could not rescue him. Which it turns out was not due to lack of trying. It was due to his not wanting to be rescued.

Slagathor was a compulsive liar, a user, an abuser. He was deceitful and he was selfish. Slagathor cared for me, but he was too weak to overcome his addictions and his issues to go for the best things in life. To be loved, to love and to be committed.

In the end, it was the eve of my 24th birthday, I gave up. I found him in the study with a syringe. Some say I should’ve run away a long time before that, some say I was heartless to leave then when he needed me most. I know I had to get out. I had to leave and I had to leave then. I packed my bags, and I left. I cut the ties. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Leaving behind someone I loved and someone I cared for. Knowing not whether he was going to get the help he needed or the help he deserved.

It was one of the hardest things I have done because essentially I left a piece of me behind. I left the piece of me behind that loved and cared for him. I left the piece of me behind that I became when I was around him. And it broke me in 2 to walk away from this man when he needed me the most. But I got so sick of having to be the strong one and never being supported in return. I got. so. damn. sick. of being dragged down all the time. No matter what positivity I tried to bring, it was always ripped to shreds.

I got so sick of being lied to.

This post is getting too long.. But I hope there are still readers.. I hope that if I post a part 2, you might like to hear how the story ends….

Edit: Part 2 is now up…

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fit, fun and fabulous

So… I am a nursing student. Last year I was in class, and we were learning all about blood pressures and pulse and how to take these measures correctly of our patients. It’s important that these measures are taken accurately. Often times it is these measures that doctor’s base their decisions on. So, we were in the lab. Learning how to do these measures, and I had my pulse taken. It was 85. Not overly high, but high for someone of my age. Considering that I am otherwise a healthy person… err.. mostly. And they took my blood pressure as well. It was 135/85. Again, not alarmingly high, but high enough to be of concern.

So I continued on through last year making all sorts of excuses as to why I couldn’t do anything about it. Then in September last year my Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. That was a shock to the family.. And I thought to myself, I really should do something about my health. I am only 25, not that happy with how I look and my health status, and add to that I have high blood pressure and I have high pulse rate as well. This is not that good.. Even though up until that stage I had been overweight, I had never had these symptoms manifested internally as well.

So then in October somewhere I stumbled upon the marvellous, most wonderful Tracey over at My Life Uncensored. I read her blog, and immediately I identified with her sentiments. I admired her courageous attitude. And I was inspired by her plight. Tracey is a lovely girl, and we fast became friends. But it was her weight loss plight and her defiant spirit that spurred me on. I still don’t quite have the guts she had by publishing her results online.. But it was through reading her blog that I finally decided, YES! I can do this..

After this, it took me sometime to get started… Let’s fast-forward to now. Since November I have lost 15kg. I have learnt how to run, and even fallen in love with running. I have been to boxing, body pump and spin classes. I have become so fitness fanatic, that I surprise even myself. I feel good. I feel great, I finally feel that I look like how I feel on the inside.

Yesterday in class I got my validation though. I went to class and we were learning how to do ECG’s. The tutor asked for a volunteer and I put my hand up. When she got my pulse on the machine she said: “Wow! You must be fit..!” It turns out that at rest I have a pulse rate of 55bpm and a blood pressure of 110/65. For those of you who don’t know much about these measures at the very least you can see that they have decreased. And the decrease is good. Then when I was lying on the bed my heart rate dropped under 50bpm.

I was beaming. I was so proud to know that my measures are so much better. And I am feeling so much more athletic. If  I can do it then anyone can. Seriously! Just get out there! Start by going for a walk, increase your protein intake, it makes you feel fuller for longer, and just make a conscious effort to pick healthier choices. It has only been through the fact that I have focussed on this as my highest priority for the last 6 months. And I will continue to do so.

Now I fear I may have hit a plateau, but it just means I need to work harder and more than ever before. That is the simple fact.. Thanx for all your support guys!

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Parents…?

Now I am pretty sure I am not one to comment on parenting… It’s a pretty tough gig for all I can see from here. And I am not a parent myself, so I don’t and won’t know what it’s truly like until one day perhaps I become a parent. I don’t know when this will be and I don’t really need for that to happen right now… I am quite happy in fact with my life right now.. I am quite happy in fact with where I am at…

I am however in the fortunate circumstance of having parents. I know, I know.. You might not think this is all that exciting.. I have parents, you have parents.. In fact we all have them. But not all of us have my parents for one. Not all of us have parents who are present. Some people’s parent’s are no longer here. Some people’s parents are not part of our lives. You get the picture. And even those people who do have the unfortunate circumstance of having my parents are not me.

That being said, perhaps this post will be emotional. I am feeling a little emotional right now. I am about to rant about my parents.. It had to come.. I have been living under their roof again now for 2 weeks. The first time sharing a roof with them in 6 years. So really, a post like this was bound to happen, and has probably been boiling for 2 weeks now..

So I am a fairly independent person. And I love my parents to bits. I respect them and I appreciate everything they have done for me over my 25 odd years of existence. I have watched and I have read and I have learnt many things over the years. And I have to say I think there is a lot of truth to the statement that parents try to correct what they believe to be the wrongs of their past. And I guess this is a natural instinct really.. I guess it’s inbuilt as humans that we always try to do better on what we know.. And I mean how is it that people learn how to be parents? They learn through doing. They learn through being thrown in at the deep end. And regardless we learn from our parents. The lessons learnt from parents might be “what-not-to-do” just as easily as they might be “what-to-do”. I guess this is probably just the way we as human beings operate.. We operate in such a way as that we analyse and we decide on the best course of action in which to “get it done better next time”.

I guess one thing I am annoyed at currently is… that as I grow older I am learning and growing or some-such and as this happens I tend to analyse things that happen. Things that I do, the way I react to certain situations… Especially where I am going wrong… Cos I like to think I am improving…

I got really angry with my Dad the other day. He had made dinner and dished it up. That was not what I was angry about. The part I was angry about is that he made it and dished it up without asking me about it. I got about halfway through the meal and couldn’t finish it. He had an argument with me that I should finish the meal. Dad has always been a real stickler for this kind of stuff. He was a child of immigrants, and when they were growing up they didn’t have much. As we were growing up, we didn’t have much. Don’t get me wrong we were always provided for. But just the whole waste-not, want-not theory taken to a WHOLE other level..

The reason I got angry is because I have been working at losing weight and getting fit. I have worked out now to a point that I have lost 14kgs and I am feeling healthy. I am feeling well. I am in a groove. My argument with Dad was a) the food he makes is too fatty, and I don’t wanna mess up all my good work and eat it. b) I am 25 years old and I don’t need him to tell me what I should and shouldn’t eat. I am now old enough and wise enough to know when I have had enough. And I don’t need to be told otherwise. I have been living out of home for 6 years now: what do you think I’ve been doing all these years?

Mum is a lot more laid-back on the issue of food, and is being very encouraging. Even going so far as to say to me the other day that she knew I didn’t want to eat the dinner that she was planning, so she had made some steamed veges and fish for me. I appreciated that. But encouragement is her strong point.

I think in the end what I am trying to say is.. My parents have made mistakes, your parents have made mistakes, maybe even YOU have made mistakes. I think the point I am trying to get at is we are all human beings, and we all make mistakes. None of us are perfect. So cut yourselves some slack. And I think it is far too easy for me to sit here and blame my parents or my upbringing for the way I think, feel and believe.

But no. My plan is not to do that. I don’t think laying blame is important or even appropriate. No, I am not even remotely interested in that. I have no care in the world whether said issue on said day is happening because of my genetics…. or because of my upbringing. No. What I am interested in here is how I choose to act and react in relation to any information. What course of action I choose to take to correct said issue.

Keeping in mind this is said with the knowledge that my parents are currently letting me stay in their house devoid of paying rent. Well, I am paying rent in milk. Mum and I have an agreement. As long as the milk doesn’t run out I don’t have to pay rent. The super-dooper organic shit she drinks ain’t cheap though.

All of the above being said, these are my own standards for me. I don’t sit here in judgement of anyone else. I don’t intend for this to point any fingers at anyone or make anyone feel guilty. This is just me and how I see my world.. That is all.

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