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Archive for April, 2010

This is something that has been resting inside my little brain for awhile.. and occasionally when it rears it’s ugly head I mutter to myself “Oh, FFS!” then I mutter, grumble and I usually try to judge each situation on it’s own merits… Which sometimes works sometimes doesn’t. I think it’s because for me; this is a people problem… and people are complex beings.. Anyway, enough skirting around the point.. Skirts off… Time to say I’m thinkin!

So, I guess what I am trying to point out here is… I *like* honesty.. If you have a problem.. Say it.. If you think that something looks awful on me… THEN SAY IT! If I upset you by something I said.. THEN SAY IT!! Don’t talk about it behind my back, don’t dwell on it and let it eat you up inside. If you think I will be disappointed by something, it’s not likely I will.. What is more likely: I will be disappointed you weren’t honest with me..

I think it comes from being a straight shooter myself.. In all honesty (<— no pun intended) I would rather be upfront and tell people exactly what I want/am thinking/feeling than to sit there and to dwell on it.. I find that’s more of an issue.. It’s going to hurt a lot more when the truth comes out in the end… Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go around telling people horrible things with ill-intent..

If you’d like a metaphor, I think it’s better to tell someone they have their fly undone and their bits on display than to let them walk around all day… I don’t tell them that their fly is open because I am mean.. Rather the contrary.. I care about them, and I don’t want them to get to the end of the day and realize it.. Then have that moment of absolute and utter embarrassment when they get to the end of the day and realize: “I’ve been walking around, ALL DAY LIKE THIS!!!” In that moment, your face drains with colour as you see your day flash before your eyes, and all the people who have now enjoyed or been disgusted by your little peep show…

I think the truth will always come out in the end… And I think it’s better to be upfront about it.. I will tell people who haven’t spent any time with me: I can’t read a map to save myself… I am an extremely fussy eater and I don’t like MANY foods.. I don’t like football much.. But I don’t mind if you do…I love vodka, and I have my opinions. But they are for me, and how I choose to operate in my own life.. Not in yours…

I think it’s better to tell people that I don’t like avocado than to smile and choke it down.. I think people are more hurt when they find something out later or down the track… yaknoooww???  I know *I* am.. I find it harder if someone feels they can’t be upfront with me…

I think a part of the reason this has become more important is in relation to my last big relationship. Which was with Slagathor… And I guess once you go through the constant pain of discovering the truth day, by day, by day, by day… You get sick of it.. The pain is so much more, and then there’s the guessing.. When did the lies start? Was it all lies? Was there any truth in anything you EVER said?

I guess I was raised a bit that way.. I think the other night when dad was over for dinner we discussed it somewhat.. He suggested to me that he is much the same.. Sooo, could this disorder of complete honesty requirements I seem to have be genetic? I mean, Dad seems to think it is.. Both on a level of a personality as well as culture..

You see, my parents are both first-generation dutchies.. As in, both sets of their parents came over from the dutch land in the 50s… My Mum is one of 8 children and Dad is one of 4. They were each born here in Australia, but not long after their parents had come over. So we are dutch people from way back…

According to my Dad, dutch people are all fairly brash, blunt people by nature.. We tell it like it is.. And at many times over my life, it’s been said that my Dad is missing the tact gene… And come to think of it..A lot of the people in my life are dutch people. And they are all  a lot like what I have described.. brutally honest, blunt people.. and as I say to you it doesn’t come from a place of malice, or hatred. It doesn’t come from a place of wanting people to feel bad.. Rather, a place of full disclosure..

I think I like life that way.. I would prefer to be honest in my life with the people I love.. I guess it’s important I ensure I do it with a bit of sensitivity… I don’t mean to hurt people.. But I see no point to glossing over the facts…

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Ok, so this one has been floating around in my mind for some time… It’s about my life as a student… I am 25 years old, I am a nursing/midwifery student and I am in my second of a 4 year degree. Ask me on any given day if I love what I am doing and the answer could be anything really.. Depends what other obstacles I have come up against in my day as to how I feel about the choices I have made..

As an example: this week my little sister gave birth to her first child. My first niece. Would I like to be there? Yes. Would I like to have some plans to go there at some stage in the very near future? Yes. Do I have plans  to go? No. I simply can’t afford it.

I guess you could ask me on any given day: do I like what I am doing? Am I happy? And again my answers could be many and varied. Last Thursday I would have told you that everything is fucked and I can’t believe I am doing this. I wold tell you that life as a student is hard work and it seems a never-ending road. You would’ve told me to harden up…

When I am out on placement and I assist in the welcoming of a brand new baby into the world. I would tell you there’s no place else I would wanna be for all the money in the world. But just having enough money to park my car for the day would be nice.

Over the next 4 weeks I will be doing placement at one of the big 3 Melbourne hospitals. During that time, my uni has a rule that I am not to work. I work part-time on weekends. This is mostly so I can eat.. U know.. No other reason! It’s not cos I’m greedy, I don’t need all the latest clothes, and I don’t go out partying at night clubs every weekend.. And even if I did, isn’t that what being young is supposed to be about? Having fun and partying hard while you can?

I realise this is probably going to sound like another whingey student. But if I had ever known it would be THIS hard… I don’t know if I would’ve done it..

Yet ask me after I accoucher my first birth solo.. I bet I’ll tell you I don’t care if I NEVER EAT AGAIN! I can live solely on the happiness and satisfaction I have from knowing I’ve made a difference in the world!

And look let’s be real here… I know it’s all about choices.. I know I made a choice to go back and study.. I know I made a choice to move my study back to melbourne.. I make a choice to only work 15 hours a week so I can fit in extra time for my study! I also make other choices. I make the choice to ride my bike 20km each way to uni so I can save $10 a week on train tickets. I make the choice to each veges for dinner instead of 2 minute noodles. 2 minute noodles are cheaper, but veges are healthier. I make the choice to drink cask wine instead of a bottle of banrock station.

I look forward to placement next week and you know what Deakin university? I will be trying my hardest to get some work during that 4 weeks on placement. Cos there is simply no other way I can do it! I can’t buy petrol or food when I have no money.. I can’t get to placement and therefore pass without petrol.. I realise that the government gives me money to study, but it barely covers the rent! It’s all about choices.. But sometimes it feels like my choices are the equivalent between: choosing to be stabbed in the eye or choosing whether I wanna be stabbed in the leg…

I love my course and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know these sacrifices I make now are setting me up for a life with a job and a career that I can’t wait to get into, I look forward to it every single waking second of the day and sometimes in my dreams..

Sometimes the shame of having to admit I haven’t got money to do something is so hard.. What do I do? Go and get another job.. That’s what I do..I work, I deal.. I keep moving.. I keep my eyes on the prize.. I keep my focus upon where I am headed.. Not how I have to scrape through to get there…At the end of the day, had I known how hard it was going to be, I might not have done it.. But then the world would miss out on all the wonderful things I plan to do….. I’m not conceited, I just have so many plans for the wonderful things I wanna do and give back to the world…..

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Wow! Just…. WOW!

All I can say is thank-you.. And once more I am astounded at the level of support I receive from tweeps… I had some reservations about posting the 2-part story of Slagathor.. Which can be found…. (Part 1 and Part 2). Here is why.. I feel a certain amount of shame that I let myself get dragged down by someone like that.. I feel a level of shame in the fact that I didn’t walk away sooner and that I was seduced by Slagathor’s charm….. I feel stupid…

In such a way, that I have never actually been able to verbalize what happened to end the relationship to my very own family.. I feel they would be disappointed in me… I have a close family, but they are what I feel rather close-minded. And I find that hard to deal with… Cos it’s where I come from, so I can be close-minded if I don’t try to open my mind. I feel I would have missed out on many things in my life thus far had I allowed myself to be who they think I should be.. I would not have met the people I have met and had the experiences I have had…

I want to thank-you tweeps for giving me an outlet to express myself, and share my story in a place that is safe… I am happy that I have a place that is free from judgment and ridicule to share these stories…

But now.. I look to the future.. and I am excited to see all that it holds for me.. The only reason I ever look back is to make sure I am moving forward.. and to make sure that I am in a better place than I was yesterday… It’s ok to fail, it’s ok to fall and make mistakes.. For without mistakes, we’d never have anything to learn from…..

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So what was I saying? Oh yes.. How much harder it is to walk away from someone who you think you are in love with than what it is to walk away from someone you don’t give two shits about… In the end, it is harder to walk away from someone who has anxiety and depression issues, someone who is a compulsive liar, suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder… Someone who deals with all these issues with substance abuse..

So I walked away.. I knew it would be better for him to stand up on his own, and I knew it would be better for me.. I would not need to drown any longer. I would not need to fight to stay alive.. For such a long time I neglected myself in caring for him, and it was never returned..

I got to a point where I had given and given and I could give no more.. I gave him every chance to change.. Some would say I am even stupid for doing that.. When you love someone it can sometimes be hard to see their true colours.. It can be hard to tell who they truly are… As I have said, some would call me stupid for not leaving any earlier.. Some would call me stupid that I didn’t leave at the first sniff of trouble… That I didn’t leave the first time my money went missing.. The first time my jewellery was stolen…

For a long time I forgot who I was.. I forgot what I wanted out of life.. I became consumed with trying to rescue this human being from certain fate. I don’t really know why I but I thought I could rescue him.. I thought I could help him.. I don’t know why.. But I did.. I guess I wanted to believe it was possible that he could be alive again, that he could amount to something… But I don’t know that he ever will.. I think he has all but given up now…

I have always believed the best in people. I have always believed that people can achieve anything they set out to.. And I guess I still believe that…

For a long time… I was angry.. But then gradually, the anger just turned to sadness.. And now it stays as sadness… I am sad for the life he has lost, for all the things he could have become that he hasn’t. I am sad that he couldn’t fix himself. And neither could I…

But it taught me a very important lesson.. I can’t help everyone.. Even if I try..

And when I look back on it now, I may not have been able to help him.. But I learnt… As I said, I learnt that I can’t help everyone.. I can help me, and I can most certainly help those who want it, to help themselves…

I think I still feel a certain amount of guilt about leaving him.. But that will pass, as will the anger.. And most of all… I can’t believe that this person I thought I knew and loved, I didn’t actually know at all. I guess that is the hardest part of it…

I guess I understand though why I went for him in the first place… *Breathe in, breathe out* About to admit something here… I liked the feeling that I was needed.. I liked the feeling that I could bring something to someone’s life.. It was nice to be able to be important to someone…

But I have learnt I can’t be reliant upon other people for how I feel.. I need to feel and be who I am all on my own.. I need to be happy without someone else.. I need to be happy with me….

I learnt that I need to be consistent.. I learnt that I am a good, positive person, who is deserving of. so. much. more.

I need someone who loves, respects and accepts me for me. I need someone who brings out the best in me, who encourages me.

Of Slagathor, I believed the best. I believed he *would* change. I believed he *could*. Of this I am certain.. But whether he wanted to is a completely different story.. Whether he was strong enough to do the things required to change are another thing..

People always tell me that I am a strong person.. But you know what.. I don’t feel like I am.. I don’t feel like I am any different. What I do feel is that I have a choice. In every situation I have a choice, and I set the bar high for myself. If that makes me strong then ok… I’ll take that… But I don’t feel like I am.. I feel like I am just a girl who is trying to do my best.. I would expect no more or less of anyone else…

So here I am.. I left Slagathor behind… I left him to deal with himself… I left him to sort his mess out… I don’t need him or anyone else to tell me that I am worthy of more.. And so I continue to learn more about myself than I ever thought possible. And through learning, I continue to grow… All I ever want is to be better than I was yesterday.. That is all I want…

In the end, I might not have it all figured out.. But I trying to do the best I can.. I am glad, cos without all of this having happened in my life, I may not have had the motivation or the guts to do what I am doing now.. I am studying a double degree in nursing/midwifery.. Which I just *know* I was meant to do.. I have just lost 16kg, and I am getting fit and taking control of my life…

It’s a happy ending for me.. Cos I can be who I am… I can be the best me….

(For those who missed part 1 it’s here)

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