Archive for January, 2011

I’m not ok… I’m not sure why. I’m just not…. I mean there are a few things on my mind…. But none of them are particularly heart-wrenchingly stressful or painful as such…. I guess I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.. I just am. In general I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing to offer to anyone or anything.. I feel a bit empty.. Not sure why… I don’t feel like talking.. I just don’t feel in general…

I guess in general people ask how you are, but they don’t really *want* to hear the answer…. I mean what do they do if you tell them? They feel awkward. And nobody wants that. It’s not a nice feeling for you or for me.

There are lots of days I feel like this.. But on most of those I push it down… Like when the wheelie bin is getting too full, and you rip open the lid, climb up on top and stomp down on it with both feet.. You jump up and down til its shoved down far enough that you can fit some other stuff in..? Yeh. That.

Some days I walk out, I put a mask on my face and paint a smile over my mouth. You know.. I feel like I am wearing those big fake glasses with a fake nose and moustache on it.. That’s what I feel like some days.. I plaster that shit on and cover up what’s really inside… Cos more than feeling alone and feeling the way I do.. I am scared you will judge me for feeling the way I do….. So I cover it up… So you don’t know. Why? I don’t know. But I do…

Lets run through a few things on my mind.. I’m sure I can find a positive side to them…

1. I’ve put on 2kg- it has mostly gone straight to my boobs. So really, that’s kinda ok for now though; it won’t stay there long.

2. I am waiting for uni to start…. Cos uni is what I love to do…… But being on holidays is good.. I get a 4-5 day weekend once every week or 2.

3. I hate my job- but it’s a means to an end.

4. I have a stack of parking fines on my desk which I am working through paying.. – the positive is that they are nearly halfway paid.

5. I want to do the half marathon this year, but right now it seems a mammoth task- the positive is that I still have nine months to prepare.

So. I’m not ok. Not right now. But I am thinking I will be. 10 years ago feeling the way I do right now might have caused me to envision jumping off a cliff. Now I am far too logical to even contemplate such. I know I will come to the top of the metaphorical hill I am climbing. Not sure when that will be, but I’ll get to the top, and I’ll peer over and I’ll see a rainbow. But for right now…. I am feeling a little overwhelmed with the sadness of life. Not just mine, the things going on around me…..

To tell you the truth, I feel like I am stuck in a limbo state… I feel like I am waiting for the next big thing to happen in my life, not even sure what that is…. For now I will put my pedal to the metal and roll with it….. Who knows? Maybe the sun’ll come out tomorrow?

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Interesting theory really… I’ve been thinking about it a bit lately…. Being a single girl approaching my late 20s…. Here is my take… It’s what I’ve been feeling lately…..

I went to a private Christian school in the outer south eastern suburbs of Melbourne. So uncharacteristically of this day’s generation I have already seen many of my friends walk down the aisle. I know, I know.. A lot of them have got married young and early on in their lives…. I know that…. My little sister got married at the tender old age of 19 years young. She was a child bride. She is living her happily ever after. And I guess this is my point….

I read a brilliant post the other day over at the next generation. It was all about how this current generation has seen so much divorce and heartache and don’t seem all that keen to get married, settle down, have kids and all that rot.. I could identify with some of those things.. I mean.. My parents are still happily married, but to be honest I sometimes don’t know where I would manage to find time for a boyfriend/partner in my current lifestyle. And in more ways than one I am more than happy in my lifestyle… So to be honest I don’t want a boyfriend just for the sake of having one.. I think if the right one came along I’d go for it.. But thus far……?

Anyhow… I have noticed something of late.. I seem to be stuck in a void of people… Where on one side I have friends who are setting up their happily ever after’s and some who are partying like it’s 1999. It’s a strange place to be.. Cos I don’t quite know where I fit in.. Don’t get me wrong.. I am not saying that I never want to find my happy ever after.. I am just content to wait til it comes and I am not planning on rushing into anything. I don’t wanna rush into anything I wouldn’t be *totally* happy with.. I want to meet someone who is perfect for me.. Someone who I could see myself spending my forevers with…. Nothing else will compare to that…..

Until I meet someone to spend my forevers with. I am torn between hanging out with my friends and partying and doing the things grown up adults should do. In essence I am quite happy with how I live my life.. I just feel under. so. much. pressure. I feel like the community I find myself a part of doesn’t see me as a real true adult until I find some real true adult to spend my time with.

I mean parties will often offer a “plus one”… And I feel like a loser for showing up alone… When I catch up with ppl I feel more pressure. “Are you seeing anyone new, Emily?” Well yes.. I might be… But that doesn’t mean I want to talk about them with you. It doesn’t mean I want them to be invited everywhere. It doesn’t mean I want to live in their hip pocket. And it DOESN’T mean I might move in with/marry them.

It’s like I have to make all these decisions at once. I have to commit to one person forever in my early 20s. I have to decide what career I want to work in for the rest of my life. These are 2 of the biggest life decisions I will make. Not only that, what if I don’t meet someone in my early 20s that I think I could spend a week with let alone “my happily ever after”…

It’s not that I don’t want it. It’s not that I don’t need that person in my life. It’s that I haven’t found them yet. But I am holding out hope… I guess there’s someone out there who can put up with me? But just cos I haven’t found said person yet, does this mean I am incomplete? That I am not yet whole? No, I am quite happy as I am and who I am. Why is it that I am made to feel like something is missing?

I just don’t see any point in wasting my time with someone I don’t truly feel that connection with. Is that ok? Or is that fussy?

I guess I just get annoyed when some of my friends who *are* in relationships make it SO hard to catch up with them because I *am* single…. And THAT’s what I resent….. That and the loneliness my own family seem to perpetuate whenever we are together…. Go figure huh?

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