Archive for March, 2012

Ok, bare with me… (Bear with me…? I always get that mucked up…. meh!)

I have always been a fat person. I in some ways still feel like a fat person, even though I’ve lost 37kg and counting. I was born being an enjoyer of food. I was born as someone who doesn’t seem to have an off switch. And with 2 younger sisters who seem to have natural athleticism and metabolism’s to boot it doesn’t seem fair. I can come up with all the explanations in the world as to why I simply look at a cheesecake and feel the fat stack onto my thighs, in fact I have some plausible explanations surrounding this, but they all fall down to  an excuse. And it doesn’t change the simple fact that walking past the bakery will have me walking away 2kg heavier than others. 

Being fat is a disability to me. It’s something I will have to live with. I will forever live with the fat girl inside screaming out to be fed. It all just depends on how I often I give in to her as to how fat I am. I call what I do with my life fat maintenance. I get up each day, I count my calories, and I regulate what goes in. I go to the gym everyday and I place limits on myself as to how much alcohol I consume. 

When I was fatter I couldn’t shop in normal ppl clothing shops, I couldn’t buy clothes of the latest fashions.  I couldn’t wear shorts, cos they’d ride up, and I hated summer cos summer meant chafing of my legs. 

Being fat means people stare at you. They stare at you when you have seconds. They don’t care that you skipped lunch cos you were too busy in your 12 hour work day to find something. It means that this week when Mum made dessert brownies for my sister’s birthday, she didn’t make one for me. She meant well, when I asked her why she didn’t make one her response was “I thought it’d be easier for you if you didn’t have an option to have one, I didn’t want to tempt you”. People don’t worry about tempting skinny people. They don’t worry even though skinny people might live on french fries and cheeseburgers. Skinny does not necessarily mean healthy. 

People say things to fat people they wouldn’t say to skinny people. “Are you sure you need that bread roll?” or the best one last night when I described to someone I used to be fat, and she looked at me and said “fatter than that?” That still bites. Being fat is pretty awful when all you want to do is be invisible, but in actual fact you’re ever more visible than you hope. In first year at uni I started riding my bike to get around in the hopes I would lose some weight, I had to get the wheel replaced because it buckled, which is something that happens over time. It’s when the wheel bends out of shape. But at the time my mum asked me “do you think the wheel buckled because you’re too heavy for the bike?” :/ 

So long story short I have worked my ass off quite literally, I go to the gym between 5-6 days a week and I cut my calorie intake to 900-1000 calories a day. I do this because not only do I want to be healthy, but I have to starve the fat girl on the inside. I am happy, but it will be something I do for everyday for the rest of my life. Some people wear hearing aids, some people wear glasses, some people take insulin shots and other people use asthma preventers and inhalers. I watch what I eat and I exercise. It’s just my make up. It’s the body I have to deal with. I can’t be unhappy with that. I have to work with what I have. Sucky metabolism and all. I’ve lost 37kg so far, and many many cm’s off my waistline. I’ve dropped from size 18-20 and now down to a size 12. I will be a size 10 by the end of this year if it’s the last thing I do. 

I won’t be the most athletic person in the gym ever. But I will be the person who does the best I can do. And that’s all I can ask for. I look to where I’ve come from as someone who couldn’t walk up the corridor without being out of breath. Someone who at the age of 24 had high blood pressure and high heart rate to now at the age of 27, having low blood pressure and clinically low heart rate. Those are things that do not lie. I threw out 3/4 of my wardrobe at summer, cos it doesn’t fit. And the dress I had made for my year 12 formal is now too big. I am proud of these accomplishments. I am not proud of becoming the size I did before I did something about it. 

But I do believe, being a fat person is something I will deal with forever. Cos the fat person is still inside, she’s just a little hungrier…. 

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You get to the point in your day when you cry. You left home at 6am and packed a bag for the next 2 days and you feel like you’ve lost control only 10 hours into the day..

I feel like I can’t handle the pressure today. I’ve managed to lock myself out of the house and managed to get a speeding fine. I’ve managed to forget my lunch and feel as though I’ve lost complete control. I’ve made mistake after mistake.

I received some negative feedback from a facilitator that said I look as though I don’t want to be on placement and I don’t want to learn. The truth is I’m just trying to stay awake! I feel as though I’m at the end of my tether and I feel like I need to admit I can’t do it. I feel as though life is just too hard to juggle work, study, Uni contact hours, placement, my second job, my third job, my sister wants me to do some stuff for her and my house is a mess. I have my game face on 20 hours of the day, always putting my best foot forward and always giving my best impression. Trouble is I think my best foot is beginning to show a little wear and tear..

I could take a week off and delay my finish, but it’d all still be there for me when I come back so it wouldn’t make a difference.. The work piles up, the readings pile up and the assignments are 1 week closer to due date..

I just want to relax and take a breath but I can’t. So I put my game face on and put in the only effort I have left. A mediocre one. Until I break.

Even though I cant be happy with that, the only thing worse than mediocre is losing momentum…

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