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Archive for July, 2012

an honest post

I don’t like R U OK day. I don’t like it a single bit. I like the premise behind it, in that you’re asking people around you if they’re ok and checking in, that you’re not waiting for someone to ask for help before. I know I suffer with depression, and 2 of the symptoms of my worsening depression are that I don’t sleep, I have no motivation, and I have anxiety attacks. I am an extremely stubborn person, and I know that when I ask for help I am at the end. I am at the point where I can’t do it. I’m at breaking point.

What upsets me about R U OK day, is the simple fact that people walk around on this one day of the year bandying about to anyone they meet asking “R U OK?” It’s not the sentiment that annoys me. It’s the inconsistency. It’s like we only buy flowers or chocolates for the one we love on valentine’s day. Anyone who’s been in a real relationship that has lasted the distance knows that love needs to be expressed more than once a year. Love, just like concern for a person’s well-being is something that needs to be continually expressed. It’s something you need to live and breathe for it to be genuine and felt.

This year I have had an even tougher time with uni and studies than I ever have before. I have struggled through and I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t ask for help from anyone because I was too stubborn to think anyone cared. I was too set on doing it by myself. The consequences of this has been traumatic and lasting. The people in my life have been effected by it, and I have not been living up to my true potential. I think in this life I can only try to be the best I can. Anything more is a plus. But if I am not trying and getting out of bed each day is too hard then I need help. I need treatment for my depression and subsequent anxiety attacks. I need to do this so I can reach my potential. I need to do it without drowning.

I think that part of the reason I don’t want help is that it makes me feel weak. I don’t want people to know I have depression cos I am scared it makes me weak. I am scared it makes me defective as a person. I am scared that friends or family will view me as fragile and somehow try to shield me from things. That they’ll treat me with kid-gloves. That is something I can’t stand most of all. The thought that I might get special treatment that I don’t feel I deserve. I guess that’s the main thing. It’s not that I think poorly of myself that I don’t deserve it, it’s that there are others in this world who need support more. It scares me to think that a friend may try to sugar-coat reality for me cos they’re scared I might not be able to handle it. That said, this whole thing has taught me that it is ok to cry. It is ok to express that something is upsetting me. The whole experience with depression has yet again taught me that it’s ok to ask for help.

I sometimes think that just because I’ve dealt with this depression for a number of years that I know all about it and I know how to handle it. That’s not the case. I don’t. I do know however that I will do all I can to lead a normal life. To be happy and healthy and to be the best version of me that is possible. That’s all I can be, and I am the only person who can be me. Which isn’t so bad. There’s no yard-stick, so I win at it. 

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