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Archive for January, 2013

Gaining perspective…

I’ve got a confession to make. I’m rather ashamed to admit it. It’s really kind of awful. And I need some help… 

 
As some of you know I started the journey of weight loss in 2009. I topped the scales at around 110kg, and I am only around 165cm tall. I have always been large, and I have always really enjoyed my food. I am clumsy, I drop things and I trip over. I’m not at all co-ordinated, but most of my life I just fumble my way through. I’ve been driving a car for 10 years and I’m a terrible driver. I have improved over time, but I’m still shitful at it. I have accepted that. 
 
I also for a long time accepted being fat. I accepted that I was always going to be larger than other girls, so I did nothing about it. 
 
Over time I have grown in my confidence and whilst I have accepted being clumsy, I haven’t let that hold me back. I’m still not good at running or riding. I fell off my bike last week, but I’m better than I used to be. And I compare myself only to myself. It’s not fair to compare myself to others cos I am not them. And they are not me. 
 
Anyhow, back to the confession. I came this close to failing Uni last year. I let my depression and anxiety control me, I let it invade my every thought and every moment. I let it define who I was. I didn’t accept help cos I was blind to the fact that I needed it. I thought I could manage it on my own. In trying to manage the mental illness on my own, I almost ran myself into the ground. I almost failed a subject at Uni. My mental state had me in a place where I was not only trying to juggle that, but I was trying to handle everything else on my own too! And I was only doing a mediocre job of handling those things too. 
 
The truth of the matter is that depression and anxiety should not define me. I should be the one to define it. I am the one who is in control. Depression and anxiety is for me something that will probably follow me for much of my life. I have also accepted that now. But I think the bigger problem here would be if I allowed it to hold me back. 
 
Basically when I admitted I needed some help, I started seeing a psychologist, a GP, and I went easy on myself. I feel much better mentally now, but I have slipped back into my old ways. And as a result, I haven’t been going to the gym, I haven’t been running or lifting weights, and I haven’t been focussing on healthy eating. I’ve put on 7kg. Sounds like a lot, but truly… It’s not that hard for me. I like my food. And once you slip back into old ways it just sort of goes on. The first 5 went on during the last semester of Uni and the last 2kg in the last 2 weeks of end of year festivities. 
 
I’m not for making New Years resolutions really. I think I made some on twitter that included going to Disneyworld in 2013, doing more bike riding and going skiing for the first time ever. 
 
I don’t mind a new Monday resolution. But even that. I just need to get back to my new old habits of eating well, not smoking, and drinking only on weekends. There is something about a new year, a clean slate that gives you high hopes. We’re humans, we like the idea of opportunity, the idea of possibility, the idea that things can be better. And I think that’s ok. 
 
One New Years resolution I am ok with making is this. I’d like to find some way where my self esteem is not tied in with how much I weigh. I’d like to find peace with being who I am and what I look like. I know it’s not important in the scheme of things. But I also know how much it drives me. I’m more than ok with the fact that it might take me more than a year to happen. At the end of the day, I think I’ll always be ok with who I am if I am trying to improve. I’ll never be perfect, but I don’t need to be. I only need to be me. The best version of me! ^_____^ ImageImage

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Gaining perspective…

I’ve got a confession to make. I’m rather ashamed to admit it. It’s really kind of awful. And I need some help… 

 
As some of you know I started the journey of weight loss in 2009. I topped the scales at around 110kg, and I am only around 165cm tall. I have always been large, and I have always really enjoyed my food. I am clumsy, I drop things and I trip over. I’m not at all co-ordinated, but most of my life I just fumble my way through. I’ve been driving a car for 10 years and I’m a terrible driver. I have improved over time, but I’m still shitful at it. I have accepted that. 
 
I also for a long time accepted being fat. I accepted that I was always going to be larger than other girls, so I did nothing about it. 
 
Over time I have grown in my confidence and whilst I have accepted being clumsy, I haven’t let that hold me back. I’m still not good at running or riding. I fell off my bike last week, but I’m better than I used to be. And I compare myself only to myself. It’s not fair to compare myself to others cos I am not them. And they are not me. 
 
Anyhow, back to the confession. I came this close to failing Uni last year. I let my depression and anxiety control me, I let it invade my every thought and every moment. I let it define who I was. I didn’t accept help cos I was blind to the fact that I needed it. I thought I could manage it on my own. In trying to manage the mental illness on my own, I almost ran myself into the ground. I almost failed a subject at Uni. My mental state had me in a place where I was not only trying to juggle that, but I was trying to handle everything else on my own too! And I was only doing a mediocre job of handling those things too. 
 
The truth of the matter is that depression and anxiety should not define me. I should be the one to define it. I am the one who is in control. Depression and anxiety is for me something that will probably follow me for much of my life. I have also accepted that now. But I think the bigger problem here would be if I allowed it to hold me back. 
 
Basically when I admitted I needed some help, I started seeing a psychologist, a GP, and I went easy on myself. I feel much better mentally now, but I have slipped back into my old ways. And as a result, I haven’t been going to the gym, I haven’t been running or lifting weights, and I haven’t been focussing on healthy eating. I’ve put on 7kg. Sounds like a lot, but truly… It’s not that hard for me. I like my food. And once you slip back into old ways it just sort of goes on. The first 5 went on during the last semester of Uni and the last 2kg in the last 2 weeks of end of year festivities. 
 
I’m not for making New Years resolutions really. I think I made some on twitter that included going to Disneyworld in 2013, doing more bike riding and going skiing for the first time ever. 
 
I don’t mind a new Monday resolution. But even that. I just need to get back to my new old habits of eating well, not smoking, and drinking only on weekends. There is something about a new year, a clean slate that gives you high hopes. We’re humans, we like the idea of opportunity, the idea of possibility, the idea that things can be better. And I think that’s ok. 
 
One New Years resolution I am ok with making is this. I’d like to find some way where my self esteem is not tied in with how much I weigh. I’d like to find peace with being who I am and what I look like. I know it’s not important in the scheme of things. But I also know how much it drives me. I’m more than ok with the fact that it might take me more than a year to happen. At the end of the day, I think I’ll always be ok with who I am if I am trying to improve. I’ll never be perfect, but I don’t need to be. I only need to be me. The best version of me! ^_____^ 

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