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Archive for the ‘love life’ Category

st lover’s day…

I do believe no-one will buy me flowers today. And I’d probably frown on them if they did. Why buy flowers just because there is a day marketed on the calendar and the prices are jacked up? It’s the same problem I have with RUOKday. Why ask people if they’re ok only one day a year? To me it seems less than genuine and it’s why I don’t like it. I don’t like things that seem forced or are instigated. If you actually care about someone then you’ll find ways to show them you love them on a regular basis. You won’t wait for one day of the year to do it. You will find times to ask people if they’re ok more than once a year. Because let’s face it, when people ask me if I’m ok on RUOKday I feel like punching them in the face. If people care enough to notice that I’m down or struggling any other time of the year, I am likely to feel they care. 

Consistency is the key people. If you care enough about a person, then you will be there asking how they are, and showing your love any time. If you need a hallmark day on the calendar to remind you to express your feelings, then I challenge you that they are not actually there. I challenge you that your feelings are not strong enough to give voice to. 

I don’t think this idea is new to anyone, I just felt the need to give voice to my opinion. I believe that @ericalick put it best yesterday on facebook when she said: “If you feel like you need to remind your significant other how much you love them on Valentine’s Day, you’re doing every other day wrong.” 

I’d agree. Live to the fullest everyday. Feel what you feel everyday. Don’t wait for a day on the calendar to express a feeling. If it’s real you don’t need February 14 to express it. 

 

All of the above said, I’m not one to steal anyone else’s fun times.. so if you want to celebrate love.. go for it… you don’t need my permission…. 😛

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will you be my valentine…?

I have decided on a different spin.. I wanna write on valentine’s and love-ish related stuffs… So I have decided to write something that might make you laugh…..

Last night I had my BFF over for a sleepover.. She is one of the most gorgeous-EST people’s I know!!! We go to uni together and we also go to the gym together.. we do an AWFUL lot of stuffs together… 😀 We are married, but without the touching!!! <— wait, don’t all married people complain there’s no touching? 😛

Anyhow.. This post is not about my real true valentine miss K and my totally platonic love for her, it’s about my love life or lack thereof.. Last night miss K came over… We had mojitos and had plans to finish a jigsaw puzzle on my bedroom floor… I know rockin’ it right?

Anyhow we decided for funs to sign up to a dating site and write a profile…. Best idea after a couple of mojito’s right? I mean, what can go wrong? Haha… Well fun it certainly was!! 😀

Here’s the profile….

About me:

Life is interesting with a prosthetic leg, but I am dancing like no-one is watching and I hope to God they’re not…. But it’s kinda like a car accident… Dancing with a prosthetic leg….. You kinda keep watching just to see if I fall over….. It’s ok if you laugh tho….

I love long walks on the beach, even better when I can’t feel my toes in the wet sand.. Quite convenient if you ask me…..
I am Batman’s sekrit lover, and spider-man’s disabled green goblin…
My iPhone and I are in a loving and committed relationship. We spend every waking moment in each other’s embrace.

I share my birthday with Pamela Anderson, but the only fake thing about me is my leg….
Also: I don’t like fun. I don’t like simple things. I like things to be really complicated. I like it when life is tough to handle, and I like digging holes so I can climb into them.
I don’t like to laugh so don’t even think about trying to make me….

It goes on to say…..What I’m looking for:

DO NOT WANT:
sleaze bags
smokers
You to try and get down my pants straight away…
Pics of your supposedly ripped body, you egotistical wan…
Please don’t tell me about ur manly assets, I am happy to discover them myself if and when I choose.

IDEALLY/HOT! (but seriously, if you have passed the ‘do not want’s, I’m sure you’re winning.. ha……..:)
Social drinker
Fit or sporty
Educated/witty
Generally happy person (I’m not your counselor or your mother..)
Someone with passion and drive for whatever is it they like to do
Self caring/self sufficent

wish I could just hit ctrl-F in life? Then again, wouldn’t it be good if we had a block option as well?

We had a few hits last night.. But I am of the opinion that when u sign up to a dating site, that the site themselves must pimp u out.. They seriously must be making sure you come up in all the searches… Cos as I said, a LOT of hits… Anyway, there was a guy who started chatting to us.. And true to what I expected… first thing he asked for was pics.. Having set up the profile only a minute ago, the site was holding pics pending approval by some I.T nerds I guess.. So first thing he asked for was pics… ummm.. I’m not giving u my contact details to send pics… NO!

The first guy’s profile was this: I’m an ***hole. I won’t open doors for you, in fact be careful as I will likely trip you as you go through the door for laughs and giggles. I expect you to cook for me and clean up my mess after I eat. And by the way, I’m a really messy eater. Food everywhere, on the floor, in my lap, but these are the least of your worries.

I leave my socks on the floor in the bedroom, and yes they stink. I will not do laundry, and insist that you do it. Not just insist, you must LOVE to do my laundry and look forward to it. Look forward to it like you look forward to water in the desert. Look forward to it like you look forward to seeing your family after years of separation. I think you get the picture.

Also I don’t do romance, I expect action on the first date, big time action, and I won’t sleep over (yes this will be at your place because I don’t want you to know where I live).

1. HOBBIES – kicking puppies
2. ASPIRATIONS – finding a rich woman to take care of me
OK girls, waiting for your emails…go

We thought it was funny so we opened chat… He asked about hobbies, I said braiding my leg hair and shaping my moustache with my sideburns.. He asked me for pics, I asked him how many nipples he had. The conversation went like that… Anyway, at the end of all that… He still invited me to come over… The guy wasn’t even perturbed when I told him I had crabs that were oozing… I had to laugh tbh, cos it just goes to show, you can be yourself, or a the completely not.  Boys will be boys.. And it’s all a ride really….#NotAEuphemism

I will just hang on tight. And hopefully I don’t get dumped on v-day next year.. But if I do, I will shrug it off and keep on goin’ cos there’s nothing left to do but laugh right..? It’s all just another war story right..? 😛

 

 

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Interesting theory really… I’ve been thinking about it a bit lately…. Being a single girl approaching my late 20s…. Here is my take… It’s what I’ve been feeling lately…..

I went to a private Christian school in the outer south eastern suburbs of Melbourne. So uncharacteristically of this day’s generation I have already seen many of my friends walk down the aisle. I know, I know.. A lot of them have got married young and early on in their lives…. I know that…. My little sister got married at the tender old age of 19 years young. She was a child bride. She is living her happily ever after. And I guess this is my point….

I read a brilliant post the other day over at the next generation. It was all about how this current generation has seen so much divorce and heartache and don’t seem all that keen to get married, settle down, have kids and all that rot.. I could identify with some of those things.. I mean.. My parents are still happily married, but to be honest I sometimes don’t know where I would manage to find time for a boyfriend/partner in my current lifestyle. And in more ways than one I am more than happy in my lifestyle… So to be honest I don’t want a boyfriend just for the sake of having one.. I think if the right one came along I’d go for it.. But thus far……?

Anyhow… I have noticed something of late.. I seem to be stuck in a void of people… Where on one side I have friends who are setting up their happily ever after’s and some who are partying like it’s 1999. It’s a strange place to be.. Cos I don’t quite know where I fit in.. Don’t get me wrong.. I am not saying that I never want to find my happy ever after.. I am just content to wait til it comes and I am not planning on rushing into anything. I don’t wanna rush into anything I wouldn’t be *totally* happy with.. I want to meet someone who is perfect for me.. Someone who I could see myself spending my forevers with…. Nothing else will compare to that…..

Until I meet someone to spend my forevers with. I am torn between hanging out with my friends and partying and doing the things grown up adults should do. In essence I am quite happy with how I live my life.. I just feel under. so. much. pressure. I feel like the community I find myself a part of doesn’t see me as a real true adult until I find some real true adult to spend my time with.

I mean parties will often offer a “plus one”… And I feel like a loser for showing up alone… When I catch up with ppl I feel more pressure. “Are you seeing anyone new, Emily?” Well yes.. I might be… But that doesn’t mean I want to talk about them with you. It doesn’t mean I want them to be invited everywhere. It doesn’t mean I want to live in their hip pocket. And it DOESN’T mean I might move in with/marry them.

It’s like I have to make all these decisions at once. I have to commit to one person forever in my early 20s. I have to decide what career I want to work in for the rest of my life. These are 2 of the biggest life decisions I will make. Not only that, what if I don’t meet someone in my early 20s that I think I could spend a week with let alone “my happily ever after”…

It’s not that I don’t want it. It’s not that I don’t need that person in my life. It’s that I haven’t found them yet. But I am holding out hope… I guess there’s someone out there who can put up with me? But just cos I haven’t found said person yet, does this mean I am incomplete? That I am not yet whole? No, I am quite happy as I am and who I am. Why is it that I am made to feel like something is missing?

I just don’t see any point in wasting my time with someone I don’t truly feel that connection with. Is that ok? Or is that fussy?

I guess I just get annoyed when some of my friends who *are* in relationships make it SO hard to catch up with them because I *am* single…. And THAT’s what I resent….. That and the loneliness my own family seem to perpetuate whenever we are together…. Go figure huh?

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Another year on….

 


 

 

It’s the time of year that does this to me…. It’s the drawing to a close of the calendar year, and a new one beginning.. A new year looming around the corner…. I know… It’s petty to place such importance on the click of a clock and the flip of a calendar page.. But really… If there is something that prompts you to take stock, sit back and re-evaluate… So sit back and allow me to take stock on this arbitrary turn of a page….

I think it can only be a positive thing to sit back and see where life is taking you. To apply some form of a measure to your life and see whether in fact progress has been made.. I do believe life is not a race, but nothing wrong with trying to grab all you can from it…. And that’s what I want… I wanna get to the other end and know I did the best I could… If you don’t measure where you came from, then how can you plan to do better next time?

So while I sit here and justify away the way I am feeling and what I am thinking.. I have been deciding on my next goals.. the next things I want to achieve…. I guess putting these goals up here is my way of putting it out into the universe.. nothing wrong with that….. so here are my goals for 2011.

1. Lose the last 5kg on my weight loss journey.. This is proving almost harder to lose than the first 30 was to lose.. :-/ But I can do it…

2. I want to get no parking tickets in 2011. And that will be quite the feat.. Coming from me…. Maybe aim for no speeding tickets too? Should be easy right?

3. I would like to start developing myself professionally. I’d like to start doing some professional networking. Even if only to gain some support networks in a professional sense. I have gained some contacts already. And I’d like to build on that… #MidwiferyRelated

4. I will stop smoking. For those who know me.. I smoke on occasion.. Once a week, to once a fortnight. It’s sporadic. Usually when I am drinking… And I wanna stop it all together.. I am done. It’s not healthy and it’s not helping any of my fitness aspirations…

5. I wanna complete the half marathon… To do this I will need to run like a mad fucker.. Which will no doubt help with goal no. 1.

6. For once and for all I will sort out my issues with boys and relationships.. or at least I might work out what they are…I’m not suggesting I will have everything sorted.. By gawd, that’d be a ridiculous thought.. But at least I might learn what it is that I’m working with…. :-/

7. I won’t stop making mistakes. Cos making mistakes is how you learn new things…. and I learn things the hard way. Which I am ok with…. I discovered a long time ago it is the only way for me….

8. I will not make any silly resolutions about becoming neater, more organized or more punctual. Cos I know they won’t last… I am who I am and I am happy with it… 😀

9. Next year I plan to achieve better results on my assignments and exams… But that is achievable right?

10. I will treasure every moment I get to spend with my family. New and old. New and old moments and new and old family…. On that note… I will call my sister more often, and I will eye-roll less often….. :-S

Nothing wrong with setting a goal right? I mean.. If I set no goals then I have no idea which direction I am headed in….. And though I can’t read a map, and probably never will.. At least I ought to know what direction I am headed in for the next year…. This my little neglected bloggy blog might see some rather large changes coming to it…

What are your plans for 2011? Is there any way I can encourage you? xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Merry Fucking Christmas Kids!!! And a happy new year…….. xxxxxx

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what am I looking for…..

I started this post a long time ago… back in May somewhere and I have thought about it and re-written it many, many times over in my head.. I’m still not sure it says all I wanted to say… I wrote about my previous relationship…. here and here. Long story short? I was in a long-term relationship with a man who was mentally ill, taking drugs to deal with that and was a compulsive liar… He stole money from me, self-respect, and the ability to trust… Now 2 and a half years later, I finally feel like I have resurfaced and have something to offer a prospective partner…… I’ve been thinking about the fact that I can’t possibly bear another heartbreak of that magnitude…. I’ve also been thinking about what I look for in a man…. Maybe I can avoid the heartbreak by being pickier next time….? Or is that letting him win? By destroying my ability to trust that things are as they seem at face value…..? Many people who know me will tell you, I am quite happy to be open and honest with anyone who asks… Sometimes I can be *too* honest for my own good.. #OverShareFTW…..

What am I looking for….? It’s a loaded question really.. I know.. it’s far too broad a topic.. But I am going to narrow it down… I am looking for fun.. I am still young… and I have too much living life yet to know the answer to that question… But right now… just fun will do.. I’ll deal with all the other “growing up stuff” later… I really don’t have time for much more.. and to be honest not sure my heart can handle the seriousness of it all…..

What am I looking for? I am looking for a partner in crime… I don’t know about mister right… I mean we are all looking for a mister man… a mrs woman or so on to spend some time with… have some fun with right? *some* of us are looking for a mister woman, or a mrs man…. I don’t know.. whatever takes ur fancy….

Anyway.. here; I am gonna lay it all out… A list of sorts….

1. I want to find person who has a passion… It doesn’t matter what the passion is.. As long as it’s not pretentious and it’s legal.. All is ok.. Someone who has a passion and is not afraid to go for what he wants… Just as long as he has a reason to get out of bed each day.. A driving force is good, and having something you care about is important…

2. He needs to have teeth.. I know this is a silly thing….. It’s cosmetic really.. But what it means is a) he is unlikely to be a die-hard collingwood supporter :p and b) he is someone who looks after himself and his health…

3. Someone who is fit and healthy… I don’t mind the odd bit of partying.. But I have worked hard to become healthy and I don’t think it’s too much to ask that a potential guy I spend my life with does the same.. I don’t need a total sports nut, just someone who will get outside for a bike ride or a surf with me in the summer… Someone who will go for a run with me… Don’t get me wrong, I know health isn’t always as easy as all that.. But someone who does his best to look after his health with all the resources he has…

4. Someone who is respectful- I have to say that spirituality is something that we all wrestle with at some point in our lives, and my thoughts and feelings on the topic are just that: MINE. I don’t expect someone else to agree with, or believe in what I believe.. I see no sense in trying to convince other people of what I believe in, but the minute they show any disrespect for my beliefs? SEE. YOU. LATER. That goes double for my family.

5. Someone who cares about me enough to *want* to look after me, but has the sense to step back and let me do things the way I want to… Someone who supports me, but someone who will let me make my mistakes for myself. But will be there to catch me when I fall…. <— is that too much to ask?

6. Self respect. He doesn’t need to be up himself. But someone who is not reliant on me for his self-esteem. Someone who is not reliant on me to bolster him.. I mean, I will be there to support him…. But he needs to be able to search within himself to find his worth.. it’s the age-old adage, if he can’t see anything worth loving in himself, then how the hell am I supposed to find something to love?

There are just a few things really that I want in someone I choose to spend my time with.. I don’t think they’re too much to ask… Are they? I mean.. Don’t I deserve the best? I think asking for someone who matches me in some way, shape or form is not too much to ask… Someone who balances me…. Or am I just dreaming to think I’ll find someone? Even if I *do* find him will I miss out cos I am too scared to trust again…..?

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Ok.. so it was through a quick little conversation on twitter tonight that I got to thinking.. It was something I was thinking of earlier too.. I had a conversation during the day as well..  I saw an old face from the past.. It was a very special friend who I hadn’t seen for about 5 or so years…

The friend I am referring to made a comment about a particular location in Melbourne. I shrugged saying I didn’t know where that place was, and I probably never would know.. I made the flippant comment: “It might well have been 5 years, I still have no sense of direction and I probably never will….”

It got me to thinking… And bear with me on this…

There are a number of traits about me I don’t like, and a number of traits which my family don’t like, and in general I am sure can be very irritating.. Though I am coming to a place where I am starting to accept some of these things about me.. I am seeing that they are what they are.. No point in worrying over them.. I mean, why make myself more miserable with worry right?

So here are some of the things I can’t, won’t ever be able to do well….

1. I have no sense of direction, and I can’t read a map. I won’t be able to, but I will always leave myself plenty of time to get somewhere when I am going somewhere uncertain. Will I offer to navigate when others are involved? Probably not.

2. I can’t drive a car. I don’t do it well. I never have. And I can safely say that 8 years into having my license, I’d expect to have mastered the basics by now. But no. I haven’t. And I won’t. I will improve, and I will do my best to be safe, but drive well.. I will never do. Teach my own children to drive one day? I think it best I don’t. I prefer not to drive if there is another licensed driver in my company.. Both because I value my life, and theirs…

3. I can’t eat what I want, when I want. I have now lost all this weight… (see here) but this is a lifestyle change… I will never be able to eat what I want, when I want. Unless I want to eat lettuce, brocolli, and snowpeas everyday for the rest of my life and never eat another slice of cheesecake. 😛

4. I am not good at computer related tasks. Sure I can use a computer, and I can usually type stuff into it, but the minute something goes wrong I am cactus. It all confuses me…

5. I can’t seem to be on time.. for anywhere… I mean, you know.. for real life.. everyday stuff… like uni and so on… I always feel like I am in a rush to get out the door.. I always seem to forget something.. I run inside my house usually once, sometimes twice before I manage to drive away.. Badly…

6. I am as clumsy and unco-ordinated as they come. If there is a cake to drop on it’s top, then I will do it. If there is a knife I can slice through my finger with, I will. If I am carrying a bucket of water, I can be as careful as possible, it is guaranteed I will drop some somewhere.. If I can somehow manage to rip something I will.. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t *try* to do these things.. They kinda just happen.. I try my best.. But this just seems to be the natural pattern…

7. Maths- counting.. I mean, I can count from 1-infinity. But I can’t add, subtract, divide or multiply anything more than simple equations. I can’t do it. My mind boggles, and all the numbers running around in there just look like that number-ghetti they sell in the baked bean aisle…

8. Walking- I don’t do that well.. I seem to fall down quite a bit more than the average adult.. I mean, I had hoped it would be something I would grow out of.. Now I just tend to stay away from climbing up ladders, and you know.. general tasks which require balance or precision in any way.. I’m not too fussed.. I just won’t be table-top dancing any time in my life… Which some ppl might be happier to hear than not… 😛

Ok.. I think those are enough negative things for now.. But in all honesty.. I don’t see them as all that negative.. I see these things about me as fact.. I am who I am.. I can’t worry myself about it too much.. It is what it is.. I mean, there will never be a day I live where I don’t try to improve myself… But all I can do is try.. and at the end of the day, isn’t it better to be real and accept those things I can’t change..? Be content with what they are. But accept and be who I am in the same moment…? Can that be done? Is that my realist attitude? Or is it one of pessimism? I guess I don’t love these things about me.. But I recognise that I can fight the tide and end up MORE frustrated with the things I can’t change.. Or I can accept me as I am and be pleasantly surprised with any improvements I happen to manage…..?

I am not too worried about the things I can’t do.. I am not going to focus on those.. I’ll do my best, and fake the rest.. I don’t know that there’s anything wrong with knowing where my strengths and weaknesses lie.. it’s just a realistic attitude to have right?

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So what was I saying? Oh yes.. How much harder it is to walk away from someone who you think you are in love with than what it is to walk away from someone you don’t give two shits about… In the end, it is harder to walk away from someone who has anxiety and depression issues, someone who is a compulsive liar, suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder… Someone who deals with all these issues with substance abuse..

So I walked away.. I knew it would be better for him to stand up on his own, and I knew it would be better for me.. I would not need to drown any longer. I would not need to fight to stay alive.. For such a long time I neglected myself in caring for him, and it was never returned..

I got to a point where I had given and given and I could give no more.. I gave him every chance to change.. Some would say I am even stupid for doing that.. When you love someone it can sometimes be hard to see their true colours.. It can be hard to tell who they truly are… As I have said, some would call me stupid for not leaving any earlier.. Some would call me stupid that I didn’t leave at the first sniff of trouble… That I didn’t leave the first time my money went missing.. The first time my jewellery was stolen…

For a long time I forgot who I was.. I forgot what I wanted out of life.. I became consumed with trying to rescue this human being from certain fate. I don’t really know why I but I thought I could rescue him.. I thought I could help him.. I don’t know why.. But I did.. I guess I wanted to believe it was possible that he could be alive again, that he could amount to something… But I don’t know that he ever will.. I think he has all but given up now…

I have always believed the best in people. I have always believed that people can achieve anything they set out to.. And I guess I still believe that…

For a long time… I was angry.. But then gradually, the anger just turned to sadness.. And now it stays as sadness… I am sad for the life he has lost, for all the things he could have become that he hasn’t. I am sad that he couldn’t fix himself. And neither could I…

But it taught me a very important lesson.. I can’t help everyone.. Even if I try..

And when I look back on it now, I may not have been able to help him.. But I learnt… As I said, I learnt that I can’t help everyone.. I can help me, and I can most certainly help those who want it, to help themselves…

I think I still feel a certain amount of guilt about leaving him.. But that will pass, as will the anger.. And most of all… I can’t believe that this person I thought I knew and loved, I didn’t actually know at all. I guess that is the hardest part of it…

I guess I understand though why I went for him in the first place… *Breathe in, breathe out* About to admit something here… I liked the feeling that I was needed.. I liked the feeling that I could bring something to someone’s life.. It was nice to be able to be important to someone…

But I have learnt I can’t be reliant upon other people for how I feel.. I need to feel and be who I am all on my own.. I need to be happy without someone else.. I need to be happy with me….

I learnt that I need to be consistent.. I learnt that I am a good, positive person, who is deserving of. so. much. more.

I need someone who loves, respects and accepts me for me. I need someone who brings out the best in me, who encourages me.

Of Slagathor, I believed the best. I believed he *would* change. I believed he *could*. Of this I am certain.. But whether he wanted to is a completely different story.. Whether he was strong enough to do the things required to change are another thing..

People always tell me that I am a strong person.. But you know what.. I don’t feel like I am.. I don’t feel like I am any different. What I do feel is that I have a choice. In every situation I have a choice, and I set the bar high for myself. If that makes me strong then ok… I’ll take that… But I don’t feel like I am.. I feel like I am just a girl who is trying to do my best.. I would expect no more or less of anyone else…

So here I am.. I left Slagathor behind… I left him to deal with himself… I left him to sort his mess out… I don’t need him or anyone else to tell me that I am worthy of more.. And so I continue to learn more about myself than I ever thought possible. And through learning, I continue to grow… All I ever want is to be better than I was yesterday.. That is all I want…

In the end, I might not have it all figured out.. But I trying to do the best I can.. I am glad, cos without all of this having happened in my life, I may not have had the motivation or the guts to do what I am doing now.. I am studying a double degree in nursing/midwifery.. Which I just *know* I was meant to do.. I have just lost 16kg, and I am getting fit and taking control of my life…

It’s a happy ending for me.. Cos I can be who I am… I can be the best me….

(For those who missed part 1 it’s here)

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