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Posts Tagged ‘me’

Gaining perspective…

I’ve got a confession to make. I’m rather ashamed to admit it. It’s really kind of awful. And I need some help… 

 
As some of you know I started the journey of weight loss in 2009. I topped the scales at around 110kg, and I am only around 165cm tall. I have always been large, and I have always really enjoyed my food. I am clumsy, I drop things and I trip over. I’m not at all co-ordinated, but most of my life I just fumble my way through. I’ve been driving a car for 10 years and I’m a terrible driver. I have improved over time, but I’m still shitful at it. I have accepted that. 
 
I also for a long time accepted being fat. I accepted that I was always going to be larger than other girls, so I did nothing about it. 
 
Over time I have grown in my confidence and whilst I have accepted being clumsy, I haven’t let that hold me back. I’m still not good at running or riding. I fell off my bike last week, but I’m better than I used to be. And I compare myself only to myself. It’s not fair to compare myself to others cos I am not them. And they are not me. 
 
Anyhow, back to the confession. I came this close to failing Uni last year. I let my depression and anxiety control me, I let it invade my every thought and every moment. I let it define who I was. I didn’t accept help cos I was blind to the fact that I needed it. I thought I could manage it on my own. In trying to manage the mental illness on my own, I almost ran myself into the ground. I almost failed a subject at Uni. My mental state had me in a place where I was not only trying to juggle that, but I was trying to handle everything else on my own too! And I was only doing a mediocre job of handling those things too. 
 
The truth of the matter is that depression and anxiety should not define me. I should be the one to define it. I am the one who is in control. Depression and anxiety is for me something that will probably follow me for much of my life. I have also accepted that now. But I think the bigger problem here would be if I allowed it to hold me back. 
 
Basically when I admitted I needed some help, I started seeing a psychologist, a GP, and I went easy on myself. I feel much better mentally now, but I have slipped back into my old ways. And as a result, I haven’t been going to the gym, I haven’t been running or lifting weights, and I haven’t been focussing on healthy eating. I’ve put on 7kg. Sounds like a lot, but truly… It’s not that hard for me. I like my food. And once you slip back into old ways it just sort of goes on. The first 5 went on during the last semester of Uni and the last 2kg in the last 2 weeks of end of year festivities. 
 
I’m not for making New Years resolutions really. I think I made some on twitter that included going to Disneyworld in 2013, doing more bike riding and going skiing for the first time ever. 
 
I don’t mind a new Monday resolution. But even that. I just need to get back to my new old habits of eating well, not smoking, and drinking only on weekends. There is something about a new year, a clean slate that gives you high hopes. We’re humans, we like the idea of opportunity, the idea of possibility, the idea that things can be better. And I think that’s ok. 
 
One New Years resolution I am ok with making is this. I’d like to find some way where my self esteem is not tied in with how much I weigh. I’d like to find peace with being who I am and what I look like. I know it’s not important in the scheme of things. But I also know how much it drives me. I’m more than ok with the fact that it might take me more than a year to happen. At the end of the day, I think I’ll always be ok with who I am if I am trying to improve. I’ll never be perfect, but I don’t need to be. I only need to be me. The best version of me! ^_____^ ImageImage

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Gaining perspective…

I’ve got a confession to make. I’m rather ashamed to admit it. It’s really kind of awful. And I need some help… 

 
As some of you know I started the journey of weight loss in 2009. I topped the scales at around 110kg, and I am only around 165cm tall. I have always been large, and I have always really enjoyed my food. I am clumsy, I drop things and I trip over. I’m not at all co-ordinated, but most of my life I just fumble my way through. I’ve been driving a car for 10 years and I’m a terrible driver. I have improved over time, but I’m still shitful at it. I have accepted that. 
 
I also for a long time accepted being fat. I accepted that I was always going to be larger than other girls, so I did nothing about it. 
 
Over time I have grown in my confidence and whilst I have accepted being clumsy, I haven’t let that hold me back. I’m still not good at running or riding. I fell off my bike last week, but I’m better than I used to be. And I compare myself only to myself. It’s not fair to compare myself to others cos I am not them. And they are not me. 
 
Anyhow, back to the confession. I came this close to failing Uni last year. I let my depression and anxiety control me, I let it invade my every thought and every moment. I let it define who I was. I didn’t accept help cos I was blind to the fact that I needed it. I thought I could manage it on my own. In trying to manage the mental illness on my own, I almost ran myself into the ground. I almost failed a subject at Uni. My mental state had me in a place where I was not only trying to juggle that, but I was trying to handle everything else on my own too! And I was only doing a mediocre job of handling those things too. 
 
The truth of the matter is that depression and anxiety should not define me. I should be the one to define it. I am the one who is in control. Depression and anxiety is for me something that will probably follow me for much of my life. I have also accepted that now. But I think the bigger problem here would be if I allowed it to hold me back. 
 
Basically when I admitted I needed some help, I started seeing a psychologist, a GP, and I went easy on myself. I feel much better mentally now, but I have slipped back into my old ways. And as a result, I haven’t been going to the gym, I haven’t been running or lifting weights, and I haven’t been focussing on healthy eating. I’ve put on 7kg. Sounds like a lot, but truly… It’s not that hard for me. I like my food. And once you slip back into old ways it just sort of goes on. The first 5 went on during the last semester of Uni and the last 2kg in the last 2 weeks of end of year festivities. 
 
I’m not for making New Years resolutions really. I think I made some on twitter that included going to Disneyworld in 2013, doing more bike riding and going skiing for the first time ever. 
 
I don’t mind a new Monday resolution. But even that. I just need to get back to my new old habits of eating well, not smoking, and drinking only on weekends. There is something about a new year, a clean slate that gives you high hopes. We’re humans, we like the idea of opportunity, the idea of possibility, the idea that things can be better. And I think that’s ok. 
 
One New Years resolution I am ok with making is this. I’d like to find some way where my self esteem is not tied in with how much I weigh. I’d like to find peace with being who I am and what I look like. I know it’s not important in the scheme of things. But I also know how much it drives me. I’m more than ok with the fact that it might take me more than a year to happen. At the end of the day, I think I’ll always be ok with who I am if I am trying to improve. I’ll never be perfect, but I don’t need to be. I only need to be me. The best version of me! ^_____^ 

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care and caring

Today I started placement again. Allow me to refresh your memory. I am now into my 4th year nursing/midwifery degree at a local uni. I am *this* close to realising a life-long dream. And yet, I am *this* far too. I am tired. 

But, lets get back on track. Today I went back to a hospital I went to for placement in 2nd year. The day was good. I walked on shift at 7am, and I caught a baby before morning tea. Everything was normal, baby was healthy, mother did amazing. And she did it all herself. Though she did scream at me in the half hour before baby was born that I was lying to her each time I told baby was close… 😉 hehe! 

I had a good shift, I didn’t know where they kept things, how to use the taps, or what their policies and procedures are there. There’s something comforting in knowing what is supposed to happen and when. Something comforting in knowing how many times I need to take blood pressure, where the gloves are and what to do with the placenta. These are all small matters to patients. But a lot of them are about patient safety. I can do my job better when I know these things. 😀 Imagine if you walked into your office every day and you didn’t know where the bins were, where to find a pen, how to print something up. Where the toilets are, where to put your bag for the day. They’re all about providing good care… 

But the most important part today is that I walked in there and I felt confident. I didn’t worry too much about those things. I just asked when I needed something, and I confirmed what I was thinking with my supervising midwife, which was really cool. 

I walked in there and there was something familiar about the place, but yet so different. Took me awhile to realise what it was. It’s me. I am what is different. Labour and birth care is the same. It’s every bit as amazing as it always has been. And don’t get me wrong, there are bad days.. But we won’t go into them… 😉 Let’s just suffice to say, when you’re working with people that you may not always agree with or like everything they do…. 😉 People are people. But more than that, people are vulnerable people when they’re in labour, in pain, or fearful. 

I think that now, I am ready to be a midwife. I am ready to be a nurse. I am kinda ready to get out there and change the world a little bit. Which is the thought I have been struggling with for some time now. I am not so idealistic to believe that I can change the whole world. But I like to think I might have a shot at changing my little corner of the world. It’s the little things. 

As long as I can leave my little fingerprint on the world, and someone knows I was there, that makes it all worth it. 

 

 

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an honest post

I don’t like R U OK day. I don’t like it a single bit. I like the premise behind it, in that you’re asking people around you if they’re ok and checking in, that you’re not waiting for someone to ask for help before. I know I suffer with depression, and 2 of the symptoms of my worsening depression are that I don’t sleep, I have no motivation, and I have anxiety attacks. I am an extremely stubborn person, and I know that when I ask for help I am at the end. I am at the point where I can’t do it. I’m at breaking point.

What upsets me about R U OK day, is the simple fact that people walk around on this one day of the year bandying about to anyone they meet asking “R U OK?” It’s not the sentiment that annoys me. It’s the inconsistency. It’s like we only buy flowers or chocolates for the one we love on valentine’s day. Anyone who’s been in a real relationship that has lasted the distance knows that love needs to be expressed more than once a year. Love, just like concern for a person’s well-being is something that needs to be continually expressed. It’s something you need to live and breathe for it to be genuine and felt.

This year I have had an even tougher time with uni and studies than I ever have before. I have struggled through and I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t ask for help from anyone because I was too stubborn to think anyone cared. I was too set on doing it by myself. The consequences of this has been traumatic and lasting. The people in my life have been effected by it, and I have not been living up to my true potential. I think in this life I can only try to be the best I can. Anything more is a plus. But if I am not trying and getting out of bed each day is too hard then I need help. I need treatment for my depression and subsequent anxiety attacks. I need to do this so I can reach my potential. I need to do it without drowning.

I think that part of the reason I don’t want help is that it makes me feel weak. I don’t want people to know I have depression cos I am scared it makes me weak. I am scared it makes me defective as a person. I am scared that friends or family will view me as fragile and somehow try to shield me from things. That they’ll treat me with kid-gloves. That is something I can’t stand most of all. The thought that I might get special treatment that I don’t feel I deserve. I guess that’s the main thing. It’s not that I think poorly of myself that I don’t deserve it, it’s that there are others in this world who need support more. It scares me to think that a friend may try to sugar-coat reality for me cos they’re scared I might not be able to handle it. That said, this whole thing has taught me that it is ok to cry. It is ok to express that something is upsetting me. The whole experience with depression has yet again taught me that it’s ok to ask for help.

I sometimes think that just because I’ve dealt with this depression for a number of years that I know all about it and I know how to handle it. That’s not the case. I don’t. I do know however that I will do all I can to lead a normal life. To be happy and healthy and to be the best version of me that is possible. That’s all I can be, and I am the only person who can be me. Which isn’t so bad. There’s no yard-stick, so I win at it. 

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st lover’s day…

I do believe no-one will buy me flowers today. And I’d probably frown on them if they did. Why buy flowers just because there is a day marketed on the calendar and the prices are jacked up? It’s the same problem I have with RUOKday. Why ask people if they’re ok only one day a year? To me it seems less than genuine and it’s why I don’t like it. I don’t like things that seem forced or are instigated. If you actually care about someone then you’ll find ways to show them you love them on a regular basis. You won’t wait for one day of the year to do it. You will find times to ask people if they’re ok more than once a year. Because let’s face it, when people ask me if I’m ok on RUOKday I feel like punching them in the face. If people care enough to notice that I’m down or struggling any other time of the year, I am likely to feel they care. 

Consistency is the key people. If you care enough about a person, then you will be there asking how they are, and showing your love any time. If you need a hallmark day on the calendar to remind you to express your feelings, then I challenge you that they are not actually there. I challenge you that your feelings are not strong enough to give voice to. 

I don’t think this idea is new to anyone, I just felt the need to give voice to my opinion. I believe that @ericalick put it best yesterday on facebook when she said: “If you feel like you need to remind your significant other how much you love them on Valentine’s Day, you’re doing every other day wrong.” 

I’d agree. Live to the fullest everyday. Feel what you feel everyday. Don’t wait for a day on the calendar to express a feeling. If it’s real you don’t need February 14 to express it. 

 

All of the above said, I’m not one to steal anyone else’s fun times.. so if you want to celebrate love.. go for it… you don’t need my permission…. 😛

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After a post last night where I feel like I could have been slightly too negative… I felt the need to focus on some good stuff about me.. I am a good person.. I mean… I try to be… And I have many good qualities.. I guess I am just realistic about what I am and what I’m not.. I see no point in sugar-coating stuff.. I know that we can’t all be perfect at things.. And I expect that if I thought any different I would be severely disillusioned.

There are many things I am good at, even pride myself at being good at. And I think if I focus my energies on improving and progressing the areas I am talented in then I am far more likely to yield success than worrying about things I am not so skilled at…. Just the way I see it… But here are some of the things I am good at….

1.I like to think I am good at writing… I enjoy writing and I enjoy the reflection it affords me

2. I am good at cooking. I can cook a mean 3-course meal and put others to shame on occasion. I also have a knack for doing all this without recipes, or usually tweaking recipes with my own special touches. <– this does however run the risk that I can never repeat the meal I have made….

3. I am good at explaining and teaching medical/nursing/midwifery concepts to both fellow students, colleagues and also to patients. I can explain things simply so that the common man can understand. I can explain it without all the extra jargon and added “buzz words” which we find these days. So I guess this will hold me in good stead for a nursing/midwifery career. So much of nursing/midwifery is about patient education. As a side-note I used to work at Telstra and very RARELY had a customer who didn’t understand their bill once I explained it to them.

4. I am good at working under pressure- I think my disorganization and “flying by the seat of my pants” lifestyle stands me in good stead for working in nursing, and using the tools I have available to me…

5. I am very good at making people feel welcome in my home, and providing a hospitable environment. I think this is something I have grown up around, but also fine-tuned. I would hate to think that people didn’t feel comfortable in my home.

6. I am good at providing people with a non-judgemental ear to listen. And I am empathetic and compassionate. I care about people. And I will do all I can to support someone in their time of need. Even if it’s just being a soft place to land.

7. I give really good hugs. I have been told this on more than one occasion. And I don’t give out hugs that easily. Though I am softening in my old age. My sister is always complaining that I don’t hug her enough. I don’t mind hugs. But I am not a touchy-feely person. I guess I am always worried people won’t hug me back…. :-/

8. I can run. I never could run before. I can run now, and I am ok at it. I am even going to do a half marathon in October. I’ll make it through that out of stubborness alone, let alone being *able* to do it.

9. I can swear like a trooper, drunktweet and I can even operate an iPhone when the drinks are flowing and most can’t even manage to unlock theirs. But most of all I have fun.

10. I have fun even when I fall down on the ground cos I can’t walk. I usually look up and laugh. And if I fall down, I imagine what it would be like if someone had filmed it and then put sound effects to it like they do on “Funniest home videos”.

See, when I wrote the post last night about the things I *can’t* do… I was worried about people perceiving it to be a “woe is me” kind of “FML” post. It wasn’t that. It was a simple acceptance of who I am and what I can’t do. And being ok with that. Now that I have written this post, I feel a slight tinge of “I think I’m so good” “Look at me, look at me” about it. That’s not what I am aiming or. Its a simple case of well, these are my strengths and I am happy to celebrate them. I am happy to know what they are. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I think if you can know your strengths then you are more likely to develop them….. And that’s what I’m about.. Being the best version of me that’s available. 😀

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I had my sister up here on the weekend. Where I live is 4 hours away from where I am going to live! I am moving on Monday.. And I am looking forward to it. I can’t wait to go.. I don’t really want to go through the whole-unpacking-finding-new-places-for-my-stuff-to-live thing, but the actual move once it’s all done and dusted will be good..

I heard once on Hamish and Andy that some apes at the zoo were moved. They got a new enclosure. And the way Hamish put it was this. The apes got tranquilised in order to make the move. So their enclosure was prepared they got shot with a dart, had a lovely sleep and woke up in their new enclosure. Not for one minute would I want to be an ape, but that certainly wouldn’t be a bad way to move house!

So the moving thing is happening. And that was why my sister was here! She and her lovely husband came up with his hilux, and they moved a heap of my shit back to Melbourne. Don’t worry it will be waiting for me to unpack when I get there! That’s *if* my sister hasn’t taken off with some of my Tupperware she had her eyes on pinching! I’ll be checking M!

We were having a conversation last weekend. We went for a drink on the waterfront! I love going anywhere waterfront! And my brother in law said: you always pick nice places to live, Em! A conversation ensued. I didn’t really pick here to live. I picked a nursing and midwifery degree, and this was where I happened to get in! I went on to discuss with my sister and brother in law, that when I moved here I didn’t *want* to! After my sister telling me how brave I was for coming here; it is something she would never have the courage to do so she said. I don’t feel brave, I feel like I am on a road. I have a goal I want to achieve. I coming out to the country for a year is what I had to do to achieve said goal, so be it. I don’t feel strong, I feel focussed.

I did what I needed to do to follow my dream. And don’t get me wrong I have met *some* nice people here. Some will be lifelong friends.

What I do feel is anxious. I feel so anxious I have hardly been able to eat all week! I feel so anxious I could spew! (sorry for the visual!) I feel so anxious I can’t sleep, I can’t speak, I can’t function. I am moving next week. I need to find a job, a house, a new social network. I will be the new girl at uni. I will be the square peg trying to get into a round hole.

I just feel like it’s all too hard. I want to crawl back into my bed and sleep til I’m moved. But I won’t. And next week when the move has happened and the fun has begun. I will be happy. I will be happy that I have made the move and I am going after what I want. I will be satisfied that I am doing all I can do to make sure my life is a happy one.

My theory is that I like to make sure I am doing all I can do to be happy. I like to make sure that I go for what I want now so I have no regrets later. I like to grab this thing we call life, take it, and make it my bitch. I never want to feel like I have been wasting time.

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