Ask me that question about 10 yrs ago… I’d have answered without taking a single breath.. I’d have not even had to comtemplate it… for a split second.. I knew where I was headed and what I wanted out of life.. I knew who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do… I knew what I wanted, and I knew how to get it….. Even ask me that question 5 yrs ago… I reckon I’d have had a definitive answer for you in some way, shape or form…
I was born wanting to be a nurse. And in some respects… well, actually… all respects that dream is being realised… It WILL be me.. I WILL be a nurse, and even more than that, I will be a midwife AS WELL! I am very excited at that prospect… It is something I wake up smiling about on a daily basis. And I know I am doing the right thing….
But as for the rest… I don’t know.. Someone mentioned something to me recently.. It wasn’t said in a way of being cruel or mean to me.. It was someone who was simply making an observation… Said person simply mentioned that I am too defensive…
I thought on this, and it’s not the first time this has been pointed out to me… I guess I know *why* it is.. I just don’t know how to change something so deeply ingrained in my nature.. It IS a big part of me… I am more likely to take something personally than to rationally think about it and think that people have their own shit going on… and therefore may respond in different situations in relation to THAT, rather than in relation to ME!!!!! Cos it’s REALLY not all about ME!!! It’d get a bit boring if it WERE!!!!
Pretty much from day dot, I have been in some way, shape or form teased, bullied or belittled.. I guess this is what shapes you from a very young age. Kids are cruel, and really far too impressionable.. Sometimes I wonder whether kids should be ALLOWED to hang around each other for all the psychological emotional trauma they can cause for EACH OTHER.. But then the alternative is no good either.. Children who have no interactions with other children suffer as well.. So where to?
I mean… I know this about me.. How do I go about changing this? Do I want to lose my sensitive nature? Does this mean I need to HTFU?? I don’t really know at this point… What I do know is that I am a few wonderful things.. I am fiercely independent, I am and I guess I am writing this cos I need to remind myself.. That I am ok, and if people don’t like me… Then that’s not always cos of anything I have done.. Sometimes it’s not about me at all.. And it’s doesn’t always need to be the end of the world either.. Different strokes for different folks and all that……
Is this all just part of life.. How come when I was 15, 19, 21, 23… I knew what I wanted and where I was going? Why am I not sure now…? Don’t get me wrong.. I am still going to be a nurse/midwife.. But I am talking more about personality things and just life stuff… Do I wanna be a person who is all hard and jaded and can’t let anyone into my heart?
When I was 16, I’d have told you I wanted to meet Mr. right, settle down, get married, have babies, do my nursing degree.. Now I just don’t know.. I mean, I’d like to think I’ll meet someone someday… But I am wondering whether my heart could handle it….??
So here I am.. I am about to turn another year older.. And I guess that means I’m supposed to be a little wiser too right? RIGHT? Cos I certainly don’t feel that I am.. I feel like I am this tiny little naive person who doesn’t know what’s left and what’s right….?
I guess this is all apart of getting older… You start to recognise just how big the world is and what is has in store.. If you’re not careful you can while away your years wondering… And wishing… Instead I think I’d like to try *doing* stuff.. I know that sounds a little vague.. But if I set some goals, even if I don’t meet them, at least I tried.. I gave it my best shot…
If at the end, all I can say is that I did my best.. I am not sure I’m all that worried about anything else…. I mean I might be naive, I might be sensitive. But I am just me.. And in all honesty.. Not one of you out there is better qualified to be me than I am….. Are you? And you know, as long as I know a few more little things about me… I guess I have done something with the last year of my life……
This may sound all a little melancholy. In truth, it’s not… I am at peace.. I don’t regret anything I have said or done.. No quite the contrary.. I recognize that I wouldn’t be where I am today without those things that have gone before… And I recognize I may not make the decisions I make tomorrow without those things in the past….
You write well. I’m glad you opened this again.
Write for yourself…. no one else matters.
π
I’m very defensive too. And too sensitive. But like you said, it is hard to change a trait that is ingrained in you.
I guess it all comes down to growing a thicker skin and not sweating the small stuff.
Good luck with that though, easier said than done. xx
Thanx Bern… We are who we are I think.. and the sooner we accept it.. The happier we will be.. I guess, I will always be a sensitive soul to some degree.. I’d like to drop the defensive a little bit.. I think it’s a little disconcerting for those who DO love and care for me when they are having a joke or when they are trying to do right by me…. And I DO recognise that… It’s just hard to change it.. I feel attacked VERY quickly, when sometimes that is not a person’s intent…
I used to be very much like you. As you grow older you will gradually change. It is a confidence thing. It won’t happen until you are ready. Just stay the way you are – those who know you love you anyway – you will evolve into a beautiful, confident and sensitive woman. Don’t HTFU – you don’t need to. xx
Thanx Annie…. I guess this is the issue.. I am noticing the shift.. Ask me 10 years ago, I’d have had all the confidence in the world… Now? Not so much… Why the shift? Have I gone from that teenage invincibility to working out that the world is a big strong scary place and I am not bullet-proof? I don’t know….
What Bern said. And Annie. And Pantene “it won’t happen overnight…” (and I’m not being flippant, it’s just I am very tired and an advert is the best analogy I have right now) because Em, I get exactly what you mean. Here I am at 35 and I’m just making peace with myself and my place in the world. xxx
Thanx Sarah.. No I get it.. and I am with you there.. I think that may be the key to happiness.. Contentment… Just accepting the circumstances and being content with them… That, and sleep of course…
Ditto, all of the above. With time and age comes more confidence. You start to worry less about what people think, and you develop your own self. I think you’ll find the 30s are for that.
For now, don’t worry about where you’re going. Worry about the here and now, and the rest will take care of itself. Pinky swear. xx
pinky swear? well it must be true… hehe.. yeh… I think what I am struggling most with is the subsequent fall from invincibility in my teens to vulnerability in my 20s…. What’s next? Will I conquer the world?
I still do this Em. I tweet something or reply to someone’s tweet, I get no response, I feel unwanted & ignored at least until I slap myself across the face (metaphorically) and get a grip. Same with facebook or in a group of friends, even with family. It probably takes me less time now to get a grip and I don’t ever respond to these feelings in a way that might come back at me but they’re still there.
Don’t HTFU, it will only be pretending anyway π You’re you exactly as you are π
Thanx Liz… I think you ‘get’ me…. I really do…
No don’t HTFU. You are lovely just the way you are π
So you’re defensive. Is that a bad thing? It’s who you are. There’s things I love about me and things I don’t but they all make up me.
Me now is definitely not me at 20 or 30 or even me last year. Part of it is confidence, I guess, and part of it is acceptance of myself, warts and all (I don’t have actual warts, just metaphorical ones!)
Good to see you blogging too.
xx
u know….. if u *had* warts there can be something done about those…. I think it can be a little irritating for those who care about me… So I guess I will take it all on board and try to find a happy medium somewhere…
You are the fo shizzel.
I’m not sure, but apparently that means you are an extremely genuine person. I know, because I heard a young person say it once.
I’m hip to the groove. You rock. Don’t go changin’
iPad and uke are totally in the mail for your birthday.
*******
iPad and uke are codewords for ‘best wishes’. Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
Wow. Enough beer. Night.
ohhhhh… iPad? Surely you don’t NEED yours anymore and the novelty has worn off? I think I will need to enlist ur help in the next month or so.. Depending how generous the tax man is with my return… I *may* or may not be looking at a MAC BOOK!!! *droools* oh.. and I have added to the birthday wish list a pair of black leather knee-high boots… They might be more achievable right?
Oh Em, this post could so easily have been mine. i guess for me becoming a parent to a 3yo has forced me to confront my personality more than i could have ever imagined, and you know what? i am having so much fun being the “real” me. Defending myself when i need tp, ignoring the situations where it wont matter. Sure i still pick the wrong battles sometimes, but i always learn and i it makes me even more determined to win the war – even if i dont realise what it is yet!!!!
Sorry Dear Em, bit late to this, but… what they all said!
Don’t go changing… but, you are in a place we have all been… all are! As we get older we do lose that teenage invincibility (thank goodness, I’m way too tired for that!) but, what we begin to gain is the ability to really reflect, and really begin to see who we are… at the risk of sounding like a masterchef contestant, life is a journey.
It wasn’t until I hit 30 that I truly began to get that…. you my lovely, are realising that already! And as I hurtle towards 40… I really am my self… defensive, sensitive, terrier like, me.
You don’t need to HTFU, you need to love you for who you are.. and listen to all the people on here… because we are old *cough* and we know best! π